Sunday, December 11, 2016

...And I'm Still Through With Him 8 Years Later

“When I pull up in that black thing and you lie like prove it
I’ma show you date and time, every new receipt, every movie
I’m an OG, you’re a f@#$ing student
Your boys are even looking at you like you f*&%ing stupid
They probably told you “don’t be out here flossing on her so loosely
They probably told you I’m a good thing and better not lose me” -Rapsody, Through With Him

So, I finally ran into my ex-fiancĂ© after 8 years of no contact during the Thanksgiving weekend. I knew this day was going to happen. I was on his turf in Alabama and watching the Turkey Day Classic, in which, his alma mater, Alabama State University, was playing against the school he is currently working for Miles College. (Maybe this is TMI, but major shoulder shrugs) Usually, ASU plays Tuskegee University but due to unforeseen circumstances, TU hasn't played ASU in a few years which sucks but that’s life. Anyways, running into my ex-was interested and unpredictable because you don’t know how you are going to react and engage with someone you once was going to spend the rest of your life with. You go through several scenarios on how you are going to react and engage with your ex but none of them matter when you actually are face to face with that person.
I am thankful that I saw my best friend earlier and she encouraged me to stand my ground and adjust my crown if I ever ran into said ex we were speaking of. She’s been through the relationship and engagement struggle with me because she was not a fan of my ex but simply tolerated him because of  our sisterhood. She definitely gave ole’ boy two thumbs down because she saw the ugliness while I was blinded by love, I guess. She definitely mentally and emotionally prepared me for the encounter because right after I left her, I ran into him. Yikes!!!  Before I go into the story of the encounter, let me add how my Mom and Step-Pops would frequently run into him due to being avid tailgaters at HBCUs football games and him being a Band Director at one of the colleges. 
*S/O to my Mom because she definitely rocks her crown well, keeps things smooth and copacetic with folks without getting out of character. That is called wisdom and character. *

My ex and I breakup was damn near similar to the last episode of “Insecure” when Issa went back to the crib and Lawerence packed all his things and bounced. Issa came home to an open and empty home and ol’ boy had to get his revenge in by having sex from ol’ girl from the bank (I think that was her instead of the stripper but still…). I am not saying I am Team Issa or Team Lawerence because I can relate to both parties involved. I did clutch my pearls during that scene because it was predictable because he wasn't ready to move on and got caught up in his anger and pride. I get it.

I can relate to the entire show of “Insecure” because it kind of mirrored my relationship with my ex. My ex and I applied to the same exact graduate school, but two different programs. The results… I got in and he didn’t. He had better grades and a better GRE score and I never understood why he didn’t get in and why I did. (Life Lesson, This was my way out of a toxic and unhealthy relationship) I remember writing a rough draft for him to appeal his decision until I stopped and realized that I wanted him to go grad school more than he wanted it. I was putting my endless energy into appealing his rejection letter instead of looking at the silver lining. Getting into graduate school was my exit out of the relationship drama and baby mama drama (in which I don’t suggest anyone who is single and childless to enter into unless you are mature and okay with your significant other having a child.) I apologize to you if you ever met me during this stressful time because I wasn’t at my best self at this point. Look at the photo above, I was a hot mess and I looked older in age. Stress will age you. Stress ain’t cute, Boo. I thought graduate school was my way out of the relationship and it was my way out!

See people use to advise me on being with my ex and I just didn’t yield the advice. I thought I knew better because I was knee deep in it without stopping and evaluating the entire situation. But your vibe attracts your tribe or significant other and you allow anything and anyone in your life if you don’t uphold your standards and values. This happens to the best of us, especially if we are operating at a low frequency. People can tell you to leave a relationship and give you valid reasons on why you should run away from cray and never look back on a toxic and unhealthy relationship. We keep going back because maybe "I can change this person", "Maybe I need to change?" "Maybe I have that Black Girl Magic", "Black Beau Magic to reform this person?" Do yourself a favor, when you see cray, cray please run the other way. Don’t keep going back and forth because that will be the premise of an unstable foundation for a relationship.

People haven’t reach their bottom of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, hence why many people stay in various relationships because they haven’t reached their rock bottom. Some people tolerance level is high and some people have zero tolerance level. Only you know how much or how little you will tolerate. I remember reaching my zero tolerance level and was it ugly. Without backup, on the solo dolo, I drove 3.5 hours to my ex’s apartment and cleaned house after learning that he had moved in his “female best friend” (I never heard of this girl, never knew she existed, and didn’t care) in his one bedroom apartment. Man listen, I had my big ass suitcase I took to Jamaica when I studied abroad for a Summer semester and cleaned house. I packed up my stuff, stuff that I brought him, and whatever I thought that was mine was packed. (Yeah, I was petty as hell during this moment) I was tired. I grew tired of inconsistencies. I grew tired of being in an one sided relationship. I grew tired of hearing about randoms and the weekly, New Miss Booty, while I was in another state busting my ass in graduate school.

Looking back…I was a 24–26-year-old Black woman, who was fed up and too young to deal with a lifetime full of stress, BS, and angst from someone who wasn’t worth it. Hell, No One is not worth the stress and BS.

After breaking off my engagement with my ex, he got married 9 months afterward. Yes, you read correctly, 9 months afterward. I heard that is the norm for people who “can’t” be alone. His wife was holding down the side-chick position, proudly. I guess she knew her time to shine was coming. *Ye Shrug* Like she had it on lock for a while. No heat. No shade. No judgmental. All facts. But life happens. Life goes on after 808s and Heartbreaks (S/O to Kanye).

8 Years Later, I am still through with him, but I can smile, engage in small talk and keep it moving whenever I see him. It was indeed awkward seeing and speaking to my ex after 8 years of no contact. I felt liberated and joyful because my husband treats me like a Queen and love me for me. I don’t have to front, I don’t have to compete with other women, against him or his heart. Being with my ex, it was all about him, his dreams, and all his nonsense. It still appears that way because he was the center of his own Universe during our brief conversation. (Insert eye roll and sucking my teeth) No mentions of his wife, very little mention of his children but he was poppin’ in his own world. Good for him. Throughout our small talk, I adjusted my crown, smiled, and sprinkle major Black Girl Magic and Brown Girl FLY Girl dopeness in a nonverbal way. When you are dope, people take notice. Being dope is owning the space and being classy. When your energy is dope, nothing can interfere with that unless you give it energy. No one can kill your dope vibe. No One; not even your lame and self-centered ex.

And I am still through with him after 8 years and counting!
                                3 Ways To Be All the Way Through With An Ex
  1. Acknowledge, Grieve, and Evolve: Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, we all play a role in the downfall of a relationship. Acknowledging is being aware of what you allow, what you will accept, and your behavior. When you acknowledge something, it is time to either shift your mindset or continue to remain ignorant to your surroundings. Also, we don’t take the time to grieve the ending of a relationship. Breakups are tough. When you breakup with someone you are losing a piece of you that you have shared within that relationship and you are losing the person you once love. Take time to grieve because it is essential to grow, evolve, and mature. Grieving doesn’t make you weak, this is the time to reevaluate and rediscover who you are as a single and FLY individual. Take time to love yourself. Take time to relearn what you like, dislike, your interests, and cry. Your soul is tired and now is not the time to jump into something new or have rebound sex because that is another energy you don’t need to take on into your spirit. *Chill on rebound relationships and sex because it is not fair to you or the rebound person because you don’t need to unload your baggage onto someone else. Learn how to be single and enjoy your single hood. During my breakup, I did a lot of journaling, reading self-help books, went to therapy while in school learning how to be a therapist, took myself on dates, went out and dance my life away, went to endless concerts, and reconnected with friends. I even flew out to OKC to visit my best friend and just escaped from the “Girl, what happened to you and such and such?”
  2. Don’t forget who you are: Many times we forget who we are and what we like because we are immersed in our relationship with our significant other. We often become co-dependent in a relationship because we think we can’t live without that person, we are afraid of losing them or honest, we are afraid of being alone. We become overly consume with trying to please our significant other that we forget who we are, our values, integrity, and sometimes our freakin’ minds. Don’t stay stuck on forgetting who you are. Start regaining your confidence. Let go of the people pleasing behavior because it is not serving you and start learning how to be the best version of yourself. What kind of person were you before you and your ex started to date? Do you need a holistic makeover? If so, do it. Don’t you ever forget who you are and where you came from. If you were in an abusive relationship, you will forget who you are because you have been berated, abused, and tolerated. You are needed. You are essential. You were created on purpose to serve a purpose. You are loved. You are FLY. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are valuable. Don’t ever beat yourself or sabotage yourself because your ex didn’t value your beautiful soul.
  3. Adjust Your Crown, Be Present, and Mindful: I had to readjust my crown and recognize the God in me. At times, I forgot that my crown was already bought and paid for. I was looking for my crown, was willing to trade crowns with others, and willing to let go of my crown until I realize that my crown just needs to be readjusted and dusted off. “Heavy is The Head That Wears The Crown”. I guess that’s why I love wearing head wraps and big hair to show off my crown and hold my head high. My crown is paid in full and so is yours. Don’t allow anyone to remove your crown. During my brief encounter with my ex, I readjusted my crown, held my head high, shoulders back, spoke confidently, and looked my ex in his eyes while he struggled to look into my eyes. When you can look at someone who offended you, violate your sacred space, and not allow yourself to be a victim but a mere victor, you are a Queen or King! Hell you are a survivor and one dope individual. Keep the conversation brief, sweet, and joyful and keep it pushing.
Sometimes, you need to run into an ex to remind of your past and growth. I have evolved and matured since being in my 20s and I am thankful for growth and learning from life lessons. Growing pangs are tough, but tough times are temporary and help you to build character. I am thankful that I didn’t marry my ex because I would have been in an unhealthy and stagnant relationship. If I would have married my ex, I would not be with my twin flame, my true best friend, sidekick and the Co-CEO of the Imafidon Empire. I probably wouldn't have experienced unconditional love, being an entrepreneur, blogger, Brown Girl From Boston, fearless and flygirl, nor would I have experienced a healthy relationship or marriage.

I am thankful for the three years of experience with my ex but I am still through with him after 8 years later.

 Peace, Love, and FLYness
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