You Can't Sit With Us: Mean Girls in the Workplace #womenslives series

                                           

                                             "You can't sit with us"-Mean Girls, 2004

I had my fair share of "mobbing" or "bullying" within the workplace. As a young, talented, positive, gifted, passionate, competent and high achiever African American woman. I have been the target of mobbing/bullying in the workplace. Being a target of mobbing/bullying in the workplace does negatively impact your life because you are committed and hired to perform your job duties and responsibilities and you receive emotional abuse in return.

Mobbing/bullying is emotional abuse that adults deal with with the workplace or organization. Grown azz people who don't feel good about themselves usually take it upon themselves to transition from childhood bully to the workplace leader of the mob. Before I go into great detail about two prime examples of being bullied in the workplace, I want to take the time to address any of my readers who are currently being bullied within the workplace. I want to let you know that it is not your fault, don't receive the negativity and keep on shining beautiful.

When people have to double team or gang up on you in the workplace they are intimidated by your star power and greatness. DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT allow anyone to dull your light. Don't dim your own light to fit in or make these individuals comfortable because you are better than that. It's their issue and insecurities that they want to place on you. You know who you are and don't let anyone define who you are!

Drea's Workplace Experience:

I have been working since the age of 14 years old. I love to work, earn money, meet new people and serve my community. I have learned the outstanding work ethics, the value of money and received tons of positive mentorship throughout my professional experience. Unfortunately, I didn't really learn about bullying in the workplace until I had to experience bullying in the workplace until I relocated back to Rhode Island. I had to experience covert bullying while in graduate school in Mississippi but it was from one of my professors who personally didn't appreciate me and my light but that is another topic for another blog article.

I have always been the type to be in-tune with the energy and spirit that people possessed. I knew that I was going to receive some obstacles within the workplace due to being a young, experienced, passionate, African American woman who wanted to serve and advocate for people from all walks of all. Two experiences stand out the most that damn near killed my spirit, ambition and drive for loving people and often questioning my abilities as a professional. I have some subtle experiences but this one professional experience shaped and mode my view of working for someone else in a negative aspect. I always knew that I wasn't going to always work for someone else but these two monumental experiences made me work smarter and harder to build my own empire and business so I will not have to continue to be bullied nor demeaned by insecure, negative and empty people.

As a former nonprofit director, I have experienced my fair share of the mean girl syndrome day in and day out from my higher-ups and even some staff members. Looking back at that experience and agency, I recognized the cycle of dysfunction that breed dysfunction and knew I wasn't going to last holistically in that kind of environment. I enjoyed serving the community from an authoritative figure that was able to provide a voice and hope from my level versus being on the front lines. I noticed discrepancies within things such as the policies, procedures and various programs. I and my team brought life to a lot of programs by listening to the people in the community who we were serving daily. I was able to fund a dying food pantry by advocating persistently and vocally. It was not about receiving the accolades but it was about meeting the community's needs and providing resources to those who are in need. My former supervisor absolutely loves my tenacity, spirit, go-getter attitude and love for the people. He backed me up and allowed me to take the lead on these projects. Once my former supervisor left for another job, my tenacity for the job remained the same and I started restructuring more programs for the community.

In enters in mean girl #1 who spirit exude negativity and toxicity. Each day her mean spirit drained the positivity in the office. She came in with a mean girl attitude and tone about her. She tried to overcompensate and mask her inadequacies and incompetence by doubling up on our workload with downsizing people she felt that wasn't an asset to the workplace. I knew she wasn't playing fair because she just changed the rules to accommodate her lack of leadership and compassion. She lacked empathy and compassion for people and their suffering.

She was a terrible communicator, a crude, impatient person who was quick-tempered but called herself a pastor but treated the employees "un-Christlike." On one faithful day, I received the greatest wake-up call when the Regional Director of Social Services who I had lukewarm feelings for because she was too intrusive, unprofessional and straddle the fence when it came to advocating on the behalf of the social workers. She played Devil Advocate between the social workers and the officers of the agency. I already peeped her game and stayed far away from her. She underestimated me because I would take notice of everything that she did and wanted me to always run to her whenever I had issues. Yeah right!

One morning, The main Mean Girl oops I meant my former supervisor called me in the office to inform me that I have a meeting with her and Mean Girl #2. I quickly went down the list of mental thoughts to see what this meeting could entail since my former supervisor did not provide any more detail. Well, I received the surprise of my life when I was being double-teamed in the meeting about my job performance and lack of enthusiasm. I did get offensive because why didn't my supervisor discuss this matter with me in privacy and why did she have to double team me? When I started advocating for myself, my hard work and abilities all of a sudden I am being defensive. Umm yeah anyone would be defensive about their work ethnic being questioned especially when you were hired by the Regional Social Worker and former supervisor who practically gave me the job.

Honestly, I felt trapped and I did ask my former supervisor was it really my work performance or was it something else. The reason why I threw this question out there because early that week she asked me "How was I able to obtain a master's degree at such as young age?" She kept asking me that question because she didn't have her master's degree and I felt that she didn't appreciate a young woman of color having an advance degree while she wasn't able to accomplish such things quite yet. Well, it wasn't my problem and also we work together to make sure the community needs are met.  I told both parties that I felt that I was wrongly targeted, discriminated and abused. When I said this all hell broke loose and I was ridiculed and abuse even more after my statement. Fast forward to December 2013, I fell ill to an unstoppable migraine which effected my eyesight, motor skills and left me temporarily paralysis. I had to have several tests ran on me, a shot to instantly end my migraine and was placed on medical leave for a week and a half. Well, when my primary physician sent the letter to my place of employment, my former supervisor contact me within 15 minutes and started belittling me and accused me of everything that is going wrong at the job. I just hung the phone up and contemplated my next move.

When I received the okay from my doctor to go back to work, I went back with a vengeance. I went to work started cleaning my desk, taking my photos down and said my goodbyes. I had to leave that job because I have temporarily lost my mind, peace, and happiness. I've allowed myself to be broken and abused. I take responsibility for holding onto a job that looked amazing on paper but compromised my health and heart. When I release that job, my former supervisor had the nerve to call me once I left out the door to ask if I am really quitting. I said, please don't you ever call me again and if you do I am going to place a restraining order on you for harassment. I just didn't understand what part of "I quit" and clearing out my office didn't she get? I was free from captivity so I thought.

Workplace Bullying Aftermath

When you work in a toxic and dysfunctional workplace, it will take a long time to heal and work through the abuse. Working in a toxic workplace in which you were the target of workplace bullying can cause depression, PTSD and self-sabotage behaviors. When I left my former job, I had to overcome abuse by acknowledging what happened, allowing myself to validate my fragile state and start healing.

Workplace abuse takes a toll on your health, mentally healthy, your sense of self and how you view other jobs. Many people who are survivors of workplace bullying usually blame themselves for what happened and often dim their light to make other people feel superior. Take the time to heal, talk to a therapist, counselor or coach. Don't allow yourself to stay in an abusive workplace because you need the money. Money comes and money goes but your self-worth and self-esteem can be damaged forever. Don't ever compromise yourself for a damn job. I know many people would say hang your head low and take it, I am saying hell no don't take the abuse laying down. Be assertive and fight back.

Workplace Bully Characteristics:

1. Insecurity
2. No sense of self
3. Incompetent
4. Controlling
5. Hang with other controlling and abusive people
6. Highly Critical
7. Inflated ego
8. Passive-Aggressive

Targets for Workplace Bullying:

1. Overachiever/High Achiever
2. Highly Competent
3. Most productive
4. Creative problem solver
5. Inner light always shining
6. A different view on religious/political viewpoint
7. Sexual Orientation
8. Ethnicity/Race
9. Bi-lingual or limited in English
10. Academia background, lack of more education than superior

If you are being bullied:
If you believe you are being bullied in the workplace, you should not blame yourself and recognize when you are being mobbed or bullied. Don't give your power away nor become a doormat. Assertively confront the bully because that's the one with the most mouth and the crude one who started the campaign against you. When you confront the bully remain calm and state the facts. When the bully becomes infuriated and out of control shut the conversation down and walk away. Go to your office or workplace and document, document and document. You should document each conversation and contact with the bully to present to your supervisor, HR or EEOC (Equal Employment Opportunity Commission) www.eeoc.gov if your supervisor and HR department turn a blind eye to the matter.

If you are being bullied by your superior such as a supervisor, manager or director of the agency you make a complaint with their supervisor. If their supervisor is cosigning with your supervisor that's when you bring it to HR and possible EEOC. Every supervisor, director, or CEO has someone who is over them and if they don't that's when you start your case with the EEOC or Department of Labor.

Being bullied in the workplace is detrimental to your holistic being. You are priceless, valuable and possess unlimited greatness to be abused within the workplace. No amount of money, job status or job security is worth being abused, violently ill or suffering from the onset and on the job mental health illness.

Here are a few questions I have for you and if you answered "yes" to one or more of the questions below it is time to end the bullying and reconsider another place of employment.

1. Do you despise waking up in the morning?
2. Do you hit the snooze button more than 3 times?
3. Do you feel stuck, unmotivated and jaded at your current employer?
4. Do you become physically ill when Sunday evening rolls around?
5. Have you been hospitalized and was placed on medical leave due to work-related stress?
6. Have you gained unexplained weight, suffer from hair loss and unexplained anxiety?
7. Have you found yourself taking your anger from work on your love ones?
8. Have you locked yourself in the bathroom at work and cried because of the toxic work environment?
9. Is there a high turnover rate at your job?
10. Are you a more competent, educated and hard worker at your job and position?

Please take care of yourself! No job/career is worth sacrificing your whole being. You are great, you are valuable and you are such an amazing person. Reignite that fire and passion you once had and stand up for yourself and explore other options for you. Now is the time to refine and rediscover what you were created to do. Take some quiet time to explore your life purpose and passion. I don't want you to suffer in silence like I once did. I want you to talk to someone whether you hire a coach, therapist, mentor, family friend or a sister-friend. Please, please, please release the stress because stress will cause more health complications and you are better than that. You were created to live life boldly, loudly, and unapologetically.

Please comment and share your experience and tips to overcome workplace abuse, share this article with someone you know that is suffering in silence from workplace abuse and bring more awareness about this silent but deadly trend in the workplace.

Love,

Drea