Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Say No to Being A Side Piece


"I can love you( I can love you) a little better than she can
I know that you (I know that you) wish that you could be my man
Cause I can love you better than she can" -Mary J. Blige ft Lil' Kim, I Can Love You


"I often wonder why anyone would lower themselves and their standards to being a side chick/dude? It destroys character, self-esteem, confidence, families, dignity and most importantly self-respect." -Andrea C. Imafidon

I have challenged myself to become more open, vulnerable and less fearful in my writing/blogging. It took me a long time to acknowledge how hurt, deeply scared and fearful I was to explain how much I dislike infidelity, especially on an era in which infidelity is okayed by the masses of society. We have television shows that caters to being a side piece and people giving it the thumbs up. I hear to give the rundown on being a side piece and providing a voice for those children who are scarred (emotionally, spiritually and psychologically) from infidelity.

I decided to finally blog about the side piece movement because I am totally over the side piece era. While people glorify side pieces, I make sure I vocalize my discontentment with it because no one should downplay their greatness to being a side piece for no one. Also, as a 32-year-old married woman who have half-siblings due to the stupidity and lustful moments that my Father and my half-siblings mothers decided to participate in while my Father was married to my mother. I know so many families are broken due to infidelity and the people who are actually affected the most are the children.

I dislike infidelity! I dislike the behavior of cheaters and side pieces because everyone is thinking about their own instant gratification versus the holistic damages it cause to oneself, their family and the children that are involved in the situation, if any. When you decide to go outside the marriage to satisfy a void, that is when I have an issue, not a major issue. I definitely have an issue when you start procreating with the side piece and bring innocent children with a pre-conceived chip on their shoulder. Infidelity it destructive and no matter how attractive, sweet, kind, and amazing a person is you should run fast as hell to get away from that married person because s(he) doesn't respect their marriage, don't respect themselves nor will ever respect you.

Here is a piece of Drea's story: My parents were married for over twenty years before I was conceived. I also knew both of my parents loved me, I felt the love and knew life was a perfect picture despite being raised in a nurturing, loving and sometimes questionable environment. I mean why it felt as if my mom was a single parent with an inactive living father in the household. Time progressed and my parents' marriage torn apart. Imagine your parents getting a divorce one day and all of a sudden you discover you have three "sisters" you never knew about, never grew up with or heard about until you are about 9 or 10 years old.

Surprise, surprise and another surprise! I met my half-sisters at an awkward, hurtful and hormonal stage of my life. I was grieving the loss of my eldest brother who was murdered, grieving the loss of my parents' marriage, being raised by a single parent, getting my period for the first time, and adjusting to life. My life was in for a rude awakening. This is a lot for an adolescent girl to deal with because you feel betrayed by both parents because you were left in the dark about this nonsense. This is why I can't stand infidelity, especially the side piece and the cheater.

Fast forward to being an adult. My half sisters and my brother and I had awkward interactions with one another. My older half-sister and I were developing a relationship, but it was a challenge because she always felt slight because my father never raised her but my Father raised my brothers and I. I felt that I was being attacked every interaction we had because she displaced her hurt and anger onto me due to the fact our Father and her mother engaged in consensual sex. The last conversation we had turned for the worst because I informed her that she is wrong at the wrong person and need to address her unresolved anger onto her mother and our father. At the time, I was hurt, angry and did not forgive me Father for committing adultery and procreating three kids.

During my wedding weekend, I was very hurt because I felt that my entire life was broken and he never took accountability for his actions. I was even more hurt because my family was separate but kind of equal. It was cool to see my step-dad and mom making marriage work while on the other hand it was sad, hurtful and disheartened to see my Father alone but gloating in his narcissism. Kids want to see their parents together because it brings a sense of security to them. On the other hand, I would rather see my parents happier rather than tolerating one another for the sake of the kids. I am not for staying together for the sake of the kids. No, no, no! Also, I can forgive the person and condemn the behavior, but I am not helping you care for three outside children that have nothing to do with me. That's only condoning the person to continue with horrific behavior.

Mind you my Father is not with any of his side pieces! He is with one for  convenience whenever he comes into Boston. It is such a pitiful and low-level situation. Hence, why infidelity is not worth breaking up a family. You are replaceable and you are not special.

I was watching a lecture on black marriages and one of the main reasons why people get a divorce is because of infidelity. I am going to give my two cents on why you should not be a side piece. Yes, even though I am an adult child who family was torn apart due to infidelity, I feel that side pieces need some advice on how to say no to playing second best.

Say No to Being A Side Piece:
The same way you get them is the same way you will lose them. If the person is cheating on their spouse/significant other with you, it will happen to you too. It is called Karma. No, you are not special. No, you don't have special powers to keep that person from cheating. Stop allowing the cheater to think you are so special because s(he) told his spouse/significant other the same thing once upon a time and guess what? They are cheating on them with you! The cheater is always looking for someone to be on the side especially if you have been promoted to the main piece.
Almost doesn't count. If you ever meet a married person and they tell you that they are almost "separate/divorce" run the hell away. Almost doesn't count and almost doesn't mean it is over. Almost means I am straddling the fence while eating my cake. Almost means that the person can return back to their spouse/significant other at any given moment. Ask for the divorce papers. Don't believe the hype in separation because that person is still legally married. If that person truly wants YOU, s (he) would want the best for you and you should want the best for you. Let that person go handle their business, let them get some healing in their life and you go about your life.

There is no shortage of eligible and single datable people. Listen, please stop dating unavailable people. That explains a lot about you. Ask yourself why are you willing to be on the back burner for someone who already have a spouse/significant other? There are available and eligible single people who are looking for the same thing you are looking for... Love, relationship, and honesty.
Look within and start healing. Why would you want to subject yourself to being a side piece? What are some areas in your life you need to heal? Start by loving yourself. The majority of people who subject themselves to being a side piece have low self-esteem, don't feel they can be loved because they often don't love self and don't want someone who is available because they are not available within their own life. My advice to you is to not date and start healing. Seek coaching, therapy or professional help. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve to be loved by someone who is available to you.

Stop wasting your time waiting for the end of the relationship/marriage. I have seen women and men waste years waiting for their lover to divorce from their spouse. 9 times out of 10 you waste great years playing second best while you will always be the "home wrecker" despite being engaged or married to your lover. Please don't you ever contemplate this low-level behavior. You are wasting valuable years sneaking in and out of their house that they share with their spouse, hotel/motel expense and in other suspect areas. If your relationship must be kept a secret it is not worth it because you are considered the side piece. You will never be respected in  (his) eyes, their family's eyes and whoever else eyes because you are going to be the blame.

You will be forever insecure! Finally, your lover divorced their significant other/spouse and you guys are finally liberated! How wrong? You will forever be insecure and display insecure behaviors such as knowing every password known to mankind, being by his/her side everywhere because you can't trust them because you think they are cheating with any and everybody, you don't have a life because you are consumed by his/her life except when they go to work, you bad mouth their ex because s (he) told you how horrible they are and you believe that ish! No, they aren't horrible, they got sick and tired of being sick and tired of the cheating and disrespect and got rid of the trash. You too will find yourself sick and tired of the lies, cheating, and insecurities and find yourself feeling not too special anymore.

You deserve to be loved because you are not a bad person. Stop participating in bad behavior. It is not worth being a side piece to no one. You are worth being number 1 in your life and within someone else's life. Infidelity is destructive. You just don't bounce back from being a side piece. I don't care if s (he) decided to divorce their spouse, you will not be respected by the person you cheated with because subconsciously you are the blame for the demise of the relationship. No one is innocent when it comes to infidelity. Everyone plays a part in the demise of the relationship.

Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable to share a piece of my life with you all. I had to write this piece to liberate myself and help others who are suffering in silence from being a side piece or being a child of parents who divorced due to infidelity and children outside. It is not worth it. Think before you cheat!!!!

Love and Light,
Drea
Brown Girl From Boston

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