4 A.M Ramblings

"I hear them screaming', want me back, oh

I thought you didn't believe me, I was wack, oh

You want the in between Fellini, white and black, um

Well, I don't know I feel a way, about your actions

What can you offer me, apologies

Security, amazing publicity

Or cult-status obscurity" - Jean Grae, You Don't Like It (So What)

You ever just laid in the bed and have some heavy wish on your heart, mind, and spirit? Can't shake it. Can't ignore it. You just have to put the pen to paper or fingers to the screen and just rambling on. Ideas and thoughts are not going to be perfect, cohesive, or comprehensive because when it come so fast in your mind, it is rambling. What are Ramblings? Rumblings are struggling or sprawling haphazardly; unplanned: a rambling old house. 2. (Of speech or writing) lacking a coherent plan; diffuse and disconnected.

Often, we are often afraid of the solitude of ramblings that we often run to social media and have someone who probably doesn't care validate or invalidate our Ramblings because we live in a world in which we have to run to someone or something to say "Hey is okay for me to ramble on about this?" Hmmm. It is okay to ramble on about life because it is okay to be human and it is okay to get things off our chest without the criticism, judgment, and approval of others. I guess this is what this blog post is about... The random 4A.M. ramblings that we all experience.

Here goes my unapologetic, unashamed, unadulterated, and uncensored 4 A.M. Ramblings. If you feel this post cool and if you don't feel it and never could take your mask and talk about your Ramblings cool. I still love you and you are still down with the tribe. 

I am laying in bed can't sleep because I am turned inward and reflecting on my current mindset. For the past nine months or so, I have been functioning at low capacity because I was lying to myself, hiding behind my work, not showing up for myself, my husband, or obligations because I wasn't being the best version of myself. I was literally and figuratively beating myself down psychological and emotionally because I truly haven't dealt with my losses, misfortunes, mistakes; and the how did I get here again.

I compared my current life to those snapshots of the idealistic life of social media. I have holistically beat down myself and my husband because we couldn't keep up with the appearance of vacation year world around the world. We didn't have a home to brag about or entertain in like so and so. We didn't have the money to throw a full out wedding affair like so and so! 

I was bombarded by falsehood and a snapshot of reality that I suffered in silence until I said enough was enough. How was I so deep in depression, anger, and envy that I totally checked out which cripples my day to day function? I mean from the outside you think I am doing it well. I got the husband. I got the blog. I got speaking engagements. I am taking photos and doing videos to coach others how to get money and live a passionate and purposeful life while I was slowly dying inside. I am not in alignment of being my best version of self or being FLY because I am chasing the societal viewpoint of success. I am chasing the snapshot of folks who I barely know or use to know the version of success and not basking in my own success.

I watched this YouTube video which sparked this post. In the video, the person spoke about validation and self-esteem and I clutched my pearls because I was craving that outer validation from folks versus validation me. I was an active participant in my life for the wrong reasons. I wanted the money, fame, and accolades but not realizing I was so unhappy and so insecure. I just wanted to be a cool kid because deep down inside I felt a few voids that needed to be filled. I felt that I wasn't always the coolest because I was direct, clear, focused and assertive about my life. I always felt that I wasn't polished enough for my ultra feminine "friends" and those professional folks who I have to rub elbows with just to get business and probably don't obtain their business. I went against my own mission for my life: you are the round the way girl who enjoys, sports, hip hop, sneakers, talking trash, reading, techie-ish, wing night, and tomboyish. Like I truly alter my entire life to be down with whom and for what? I alter the way I talk because folks couldn't get down with my dialect because I don't sound like I'm from Boston so I must be lying or ignorant. I was constantly defending my writing, speaking and presentations because someone had an issue with how I worded something, sounding too raw, just mad at their own ish, but I took ownership of their ish and my ish which became too unbearable. At certain points in my life I got down with the get down because I didn't want any issues of being too rough, too Bossy, how is she educated but she doesn't follow the Black educated professional protocol. So I filter my life, rarely showed up for the true Andrea Camille Stallworth Imafidon and got lost in the shuffle of filtered snapshots of unrealistic that kept me nonviable and undervalued.

I remember my husband asked me what happened to that girl who was once determined, carefree, and secures within self, girl.  I had to take a step back a recognize that that girl is still within I covered it with trying to be down with the cool kids, whoever they are because the cool kids are just a false sense of image and often forget they are imperfect and trying to keep up with the other cool kids. I am all set with trying to keep up with the fake facade and fake coolness. 

Peace, Love, and FLYness,

Drea

Brown Girl From Boston