Saturday, January 6, 2018

Young, Black and Broken: A Colorful Journey to Healing

"I've been on the low key grinding
Learning on the low key, shining
Tryin' to keep to myself
But you bring me out of character
Every time again" -SZA, Go Gina

Happy New Year! What can I say about 2017? Well, it was filled with trials, tribulations, and triumphs. I've managed to survive and thrive. I became the poster child for the "Young, Black, and Broken" because I was that person in 2017! How Sway?

I was diagnosed with Chronic Anemia. Anemia is a condition in which you don't have enough healthy red blood cells to carry adequate oxygen to the body's tissues. Having anemia may make you feel tired and weak. On top of being diagnosed with anemia, I was also dual diagnosed with Uterine Fibroids. Yikes. Uterine fibroids are benign lumps that grow on the uterus. Symptoms may include heavy periods, cramping, painful sex, and an urge to urinate. Over 80% of African-American women by the age 50 will suffer from fibroids. 

YoI felt as if my life came crashing down at the same damn time. I had to cancel numerously speaking engagements and outings because I was that ill and broken. I had to schedule things around my menstrual cycle because my cycles were uncontrollable. My illness debilitated my whole life, to the point I suffered from depression and anxiety. I couldn't get out of bed. Some days I would just cry my heart out. There would be days, weeks, and some months that I couldn't look myself in the mirror because I was broken and traumatized. When you can't enjoy, love, and trust the eyes looking back at you, that's brokenness Flyness. 

Besides being broken, you also have others who take advantage of your brokenness. I had to go "hot ham hoe here we go again" on a few people who have taken advantage of my broken nature during this junction of my life. I just had enough of dealing with people, especially women who violated the sisterhood code. I was sick and tired of the f^&kery, thievery and the dishonesty. 

Literally, everything around me was falling apart. In February, my husband lost his job. Agh! When a man loses his job, he loses his confidence in his ability to provide for his family. The bad news kept on coming which including being denied into a program for 1st home buyers. We took the Ls and kept it moving. I figured we weren't meant to lay our foundation down in New England. Why force something when things are supposed to flow?

While our world came crashing down, my husband and I made a difficult decision to get the eff outta Providence and relocate Down South! Let's recap, shall we! My husband became unemployed in February. The surgery took place on March 31st, we packed our apartment and relocated April 30th. Yeswe are still sane. 

notified ten people about our relocation. On the other hand, my husband went and broadcast all of our business on the Book! (Insert forever side-eye) Guess what? Everyone, including the fakers, snakes, and fair-weather folks and their Mama reached out to be nosy! Mind you. These folks don't care about us! All of a sudden you have a change of heart. Nah!

Dear God, I'm Here!

What Did I Learn During the 2017 Transition:
"Healing Hurts, Healing Sucks"  Since I've been on this journey of healing internally, I have realize life and healing isn't linear! One minute you are completely okay, the next you may be rocking back and forth doing the ugly cry because something triggered that unhealed situation.  You have to be vulnerable and ready to heal. Sometimes, healing includes sitting silently! Healing involves honesty with yourself.  We are never ready to hear the truth and often try to find an alternative way to heal instead of going through the pain. Hence, why we see many people self-medicate because many are in a state of trauma and can't bare to deal with reality. During my healing process, I got to reconnect with some dope people. I still cry from time to time. My marriage almost went to hell, but we are working on being better people and more divine spouses for one another. Another funny and strange thing about healing is when randoms such as exes, users, and old friends try to creep back into your life. Chile, who you and what you want?  I had to regain my strength, independence, and my holistic life. God is taking the wheel. I am letting ish go. I had to let my life crumble and rebuild. I am rebuilding and trusting the process like the Philadelphia 76ers. 

I Am Learning How to Love Drea Once Again! Loving yourself is long-suffering, everlasting, cold, warm, FLY, humbling experience. Yo, self-love and healing is scaryAF is exciting, carefree, ugly at times, sassy, FLY, rhythmic, Divine, spiritual, and Godly. Self-love is vital but complicated.  Self-love is a learned behavior rather innate. You would think it is innate but somehow down the line, we often unlearned how to love ourselves because we are thrown into this abyss of self-sacrificing and putting ourselves last. 

People don't truly trust themselves because they don't recognize themselves, and often times they don't love themselves. We get caught up with the controlled content of social media, chasing the bag, chasing an illusion, and chasing nonsense. We get caught up with all these things and truly forget about our daily purpose to self-preservation, self-care, self-esteem, self-love, and self-respect. When we neglect these things, we often cheat ourselves and lessen ourselves to accept any and all low and basic behavior and habits.  Loving myself looks different on a daily basis. Loving myself consist of going to a Rapsody concert and allowing the boom bap rap to uplift my spirit. Loving myself consist of walking away from negativity and toxicity. Loving myself standing on my square and speaking my truth to power. Loving myself consist of rocking me, accepting me, validating myself first in a cold world that often diminished, degrade, dismiss, and disrespect the Black Woman, the Black Man, and Black Child. Loving myself consist of living an unapologetic, compassionate, and purposeful life. 

I also want to give flowers to the following people because they were instrumental in my healing process and I bet they haven't known until now! Giving flowers to My Mom, JaquettaBarbyShemikaMarkitaMichelle B., Michelle D., Chantal, Walter (My Mentor) and his wife Josefina, and Ms. Marilyn. 

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me via email and social media to offer light, support, and encouragement during a grim time during my life. I see you baby and keep shining. 

I want to thank you for reading this honest, raw, and unapologetic blog post. I hope you will take the time to tap into some unhealed spaces within to heal the pain. Remember to trust your colorful progress and process. 

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