Black Love Vol. 2

Black Love Vol.1

Vetting is defined as investigating (someone) thoroughly, especially in order to ensure that they are suitable for a job requiring secrecy, loyalty, or trustworthiness.

Courtship is defined as a period during which a couple develops a romantic relationship, especially with a view to marriage.

What says you? Do you know if you vet someone before going out on a date? What do you think about courtship?

Check out our unapologetic and authentic conversation about vetting and courtship on Let's talk 2 YouTube channel. Click the link below and tell us your thoughts.

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Make sure you check out The Self-Care for Brown Girls Affirmations and Meditations!

http://selfcareforbrowngirls.bandcamp.com/album/self-care-for-brown-girls-audio-course

Wedding SZN: Many People Want the Wedding But Not The Marriage

Why I'm Better Not Basic: My First Keynote Address

"Loyal to all, but when I look at these black girls' faces, I understand why I chose to be better, not basic. So it's not, not (hard to choose)" -Rapsody, Hard To Choose

May 6th, 2018, I had delivered my first keynote address, “How to Be Better in A Basic and Bitter World”! Y'all know I had to throw in my home-girl, Rapsody's Hard to Choose lyrics in this keynote address because it just set the tone for the Black girls and women in the building. I realize that we are not just setting the examples for ourselves or our communities. We have little Black girls and elders who require self-forgiveness and liberation. Before going into my keynote address, I made sure to feel the room's energy, understand my social responsibility and greet and thank people for coming out. See, part of my life's mission and assignment is to collectively get Black people to the point of collectives instead of individualism. We can achieve more things when displaying our honesty, humanistic, and authenticity to folks. We also have to realize that we are in the same situation, in which the systemic system fails us time and time again. No one is better than the next because we are in this thing together. 

During my keynote address, I discussed my breakups, divorce, bouts with bitterness, and my ongoing healing journey as a Black Woman. I gave permission to every girl and woman in the room to understand how the world views us as "Bitter Black Woman" and how we don't have to answer to what we are being called. I also flipped the script and helped the actual "Bitter Black Women" understand that healing, forgiveness, and triumph is awaiting you if you choose to work through that internal pain, which is awful. We all have choices. I also mentioned three takeaways:

 1. Bitterness is an Illness, and how we need to place boundaries around our bitterness. 

 2. Why we shouldn't internalize and take ownership of others feelings, words, and emptiness

 3. It is okay to be upset, a mess, and angry. You are experiencing emotions and feelings that should be coped with versus numbed. When you have the tools to navigate through hurt and pain, you are equipped to heal and bounce back from internal bondage and trauma. 

See, I have been there and done to make internal personal offenses, hence, why I had to deliver this message. Once upon a time, I was bitter because I didn’t work through the hurt, shame, guilt, and unresolved issues from a major breakup of an engagement to someone I was going to marry. I found myself resistant to all hurtful feelings because I didn’t want to appear weak, but I was not working through the pain. Eventually, that pain and resentment sent me seeking holistic and unapologetic healing from a therapist by doing the inner work and truly forgiving all parties involved! It took years to do all of this work.

Yes, the F word, y’all!

See, forgiveness is a revolutionary act! It is not for the faint at heart. You are a real-life G if you can forgive yourself and others!

See, I had to forgive myself first because I thought I wasn’t good enough because my ex and I split, and he got married a few months later. I took that entire process to heart and internalized every piece of hurtful emotion possible!

I was self-sabotaging everything! Eventually, it took me time to truly move to pass the hurt feelings with a therapist's help and choose forgiveness. I also had to remember that I had a choice to forever live in bondage or truly liberate myself and pass transgressions from my former relationship to grow and progress!

I’m too FLY to be unforgiving! Forgiveness is a mature act.

Go over to the Brown Girl From Boston Facebook Page to check out the video footage!

...And I'm Still Through With Him 8 Years Later

“When I pull up in that black thing and you lie like prove it
I’ma show you date and time, every new receipt, every movie
I’m an OG, you’re a f@#$ing student
Your boys are even looking at you like you f*&%ing stupid
They probably told you “don’t be out here flossing on her so loosely
They probably told you I’m a good thing and better not lose me” -Rapsody, Through With Him

So, I finally ran into my ex-fiancé after 8 years of no contact during the Thanksgiving weekend. I knew this day was going to happen. I was on his turf in Alabama and watching the Turkey Day Classic, in which, his alma mater, Alabama State University, was playing against the school he is currently working for Miles College. (Maybe this is TMI, but major shoulder shrugs) Usually, ASU plays Tuskegee University but due to unforeseen circumstances, TU hasn't played ASU in a few years which sucks but that’s life. Anyways, running into my ex-was interested and unpredictable because you don’t know how you are going to react and engage with someone you once was going to spend the rest of your life with. You go through several scenarios on how you are going to react and engage with your ex but none of them matter when you actually are face to face with that person.

I am thankful that I saw my best friend earlier and she encouraged me to stand my ground and adjust my crown if I ever ran into said ex we were speaking of. She’s been through the relationship and engagement struggle with me because she was not a fan of my ex but simply tolerated him because of our sisterhood. She definitely gave ole’ boy two thumbs down because she saw the ugliness while I was blinded by love, I guess. She definitely mentally and emotionally prepared me for the encounter because right after I left her, I ran into him. Yikes!!!  Before I go into the story of the encounter, let me add how my Mom and Step-Pops would frequently run into him due to being avid tailgaters at HBCUs football games and him being a Band Director at one of the colleges.

*S/O to my Mom because she definitely rocks her crown well, keeps things smooth and copacetic with folks without getting out of character. That is called wisdom and character. *

My ex and I breakup were damn near similar to the last episode of “Insecure” when Issa went back to the crib and Lawerence packed all his things and bounced. Issa came home to an open and empty home and ol’ boy had to get his revenge in by having sex from ol’ girl from the bank (I think that was her instead of the stripper but still…). I am not saying I am Team Issa or Team Lawerence because I can relate to both parties involved. I did clutch my pearls during that scene because it was predictable because he wasn't ready to move on and got caught up in his anger and pride. I get it.

I can relate to the entire show of “Insecure” because it kind of mirrored my relationship with my ex. My ex and I applied to the same exact graduate school, but two different programs. The results… I got in and he didn’t. He had better grades and a better GRE score and I never understood why he didn’t get in and why I did. (Life Lesson, This was my way out of a toxic and unhealthy relationship) I remember writing a rough draft for him to appeal his decision until I stopped and realized that I wanted him to go to grad school more than he wanted it. I was putting my endless energy into appealing his rejection letter instead of looking at the silver lining. Getting into graduate school was my exit out of the relationship drama and baby mama drama (in which I don’t suggest anyone who is single and childless to enter into unless you are mature and okay with your significant other having a child.) I apologize to you if you ever met me during this stressful time because I wasn’t at my best self at this point. Look at the photo above, I was a hot mess and I looked older in age. Stress will age you. Stress ain’t cute, Boo. I thought graduate school was my way out of the relationship and it was my way out!

See people use to advise me on being with my ex and I just didn’t yield the advice. I thought I knew better because I was knee-deep in it without stopping and evaluating the entire situation. But your vibe attracts your tribe or significant other and you allow anything and anyone in your life if you don’t uphold your standards and values. This happens to the best of us, especially if we are operating at a low frequency. People can tell you to leave a relationship and give you valid reasons on why you should run away from cray and never look back on a toxic and unhealthy relationship. We keep going back because maybe "I can change this person", "Maybe I need to change?" "Maybe I have that Black Girl Magic", "Black Beau Magic to reform this person?" Do yourself a favor, when you see cray, cray please run the other way. Don’t keep going back and forth because that will be the premise of an unstable foundation for a relationship.

People haven’t reached their bottom of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, hence why many people stay in various relationships because they haven’t reached their rock bottom. Some people's tolerance level is high and some people have a zero-tolerance level. Only you know how much or how little you will tolerate. I remember reaching my zero tolerance level and was it ugly. Without backup, on the solo dolo, I drove 3.5 hours to my ex’s apartment and cleaned house after learning that he had moved in his “female best friend” (I never heard of this girl, never knew she existed and didn’t care) in his one-bedroom apartment. Man listen, I had my big ass suitcase I took to Jamaica when I studied abroad for a Summer semester and cleaned house. I packed up my stuff, stuff that I brought him, and whatever I thought that was mine was packed. (Yeah, I was petty as hell during this moment) I was tired. I grew tired of inconsistencies. I grew tired of being in a one-sided relationship. I grew tired of hearing about randoms and the weekly, New Miss Booty, while I was in another state busting my ass in graduate school.

Looking back…I was a 24–26-year-old Black woman, who was fed up and too young to deal with a lifetime full of stress, BS, and angst from someone who wasn’t worth it. Hell, No One is not worth the stress and BS.

After breaking off my engagement with my ex, he got married 9 months afterward. Yes, you read correctly, 9 months afterward. I heard that it is the norm for people who “can’t be alone. His wife was holding down the side-chick position, proudly. I guess she knew her time to shine was coming. *Ye Shrug* Like she had it on lock for a while. No heat. No shade. No judgmental. All facts. But life happens. Life goes on after 808s and Heartbreaks (S/O to Kanye).

8 Years Later, I am still through with him, but I can smile, engage in small talk and keep it moving whenever I see him. It was indeed awkward seeing and speaking to my ex after 8 years of no contact. I felt liberated and joyful because my husband treats me like a Queen and love me for me. I don’t have to front, I don’t have to compete with other women, against him or his heart. Being with my ex, it was all about him, his dreams, and all his nonsense. It still appears that way because he was the center of his own Universe during our brief conversation. (Insert eye roll and sucking my teeth) No mentions of his wife, very little mention of his children but he was poppin’ in his own world. Good for him. Throughout our small talk, I adjusted my crown, smiled, and sprinkle major Black Girl Magic and Brown Girl FLY Girl dopeness in a nonverbal way. When you are dope, people take notice. Being dope is owning the space and being classy. When your energy is dope, nothing can interfere with that unless you give it energy. No one can kill your dope vibe. No One; not even your lame and self-centered ex.

And I am still through with him after 8 years and counting!

                             

                                3 Ways To Be All the Way Through With An Ex

1. Acknowledge, Grieve, and Evolve: Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, we all play a role in the downfall of a relationship. Acknowledging is being aware of what you allow, what you will accept, and your behavior. When you acknowledge something, it is time to either shift your mindset or continue to remain ignorant of your surroundings. Also, we don’t take the time to grieve the ending of a relationship. Breakups are tough. When you break up with someone you are losing a piece of you that you have shared within that relationship and you are losing the person you once love. Take time to grieve because it is essential to grow, evolve, and mature. Grieving doesn’t make you weak, this is the time to reevaluate and rediscover who you are as a single and FLY individual. Take time to love yourself. Take time to relearn what you like, dislike, your interests, and cry. Your soul is tired and now is not the time to jump into something new or have rebound sex because that is another energy you don’t need to take on into your spirit. *Chill on rebound relationships and sex because it is not fair to you or the rebound person because you don’t need to unload your baggage onto someone else. Learn how to be single and enjoy your singlehood. During my breakup, I did a lot of journaling, reading self-help books, went to therapy while in school learning how to be a therapist, took myself on dates, went out and dance my life away, went to endless concerts, and reconnected with friends. I even traveled to OKC to visit my best friend and just escaped from the “Girl, what happened to you and such and such?”
2. Don’t forget who you are: Many times we forget who we are and what we like because we are immersed in our relationship with our significant other. We often become co-dependent in a relationship because we think we can’t live without that person, we are afraid of losing them or afraid of being alone. We become overly consumed with trying to please our significant other that we forget who we are, our values, integrity, and sometimes our freakin’ minds. Don’t stay stuck on forgetting who you are. Start regaining your confidence. Let go of the people-pleasing behavior because it is not serving you and start learning how to be the best version of yourself. What kind of person was you before you and your ex started to date? Do you need a holistic makeover? If so, do it. Don’t you ever forget who you are and where you came from. If you were in an abusive relationship, you will forget who you are because you have been berated, abused, and tolerated. You are needed. You are essential. You were created on purpose to serve a purpose. You are loved. You are FLY. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are valuable. Don’t ever beat yourself or sabotage yourself because your ex didn’t value your beautiful soul.
3. Adjust Your Crown, Be Present, and Mindful: I had to readjust my crown and recognize the God(dess) in me. At times, I forgot that my crown was already bought and paid for. I was looking for my crown, was willing to trade crowns with others, and willing to let go of my crown until I realize that my crown just needs to be readjusted and dusted off. “Heavy is The Head That Wears The Crown”. I guess that’s why I love wearing head wraps and big hair to show off my crown and hold my head high. My crown is paid in full and so is yours. Don’t allow anyone to remove your crown. During my brief encounter with my ex, I readjusted my crown, held my head high, shoulders back, spoke confidently, and looked my ex in his eyes while he struggled to look into my eyes. When you can look at someone who offended you, violated your sacred space, and not allow yourself to be a victim but a mere victor, you are a Queen or King! Hell you are a survivor and one dope individual. Keep the conversation brief, sweet, and joyful and keep it pushing.

Sometimes, you need to run into an ex to remind of your past, present, and future growth. I have evolved and matured since being in my 20s and I am thankful for the growth and learning from life lessons. Growing pangs are tough, but tough times are temporary and help you to build character. I am thankful that I didn’t marry my ex because I would have been in an unhealthy and stagnant relationship. If I would have married my ex, I would not be with my twin flame, my true best friend, sidekick and the Co-CEO of the Imafidon Empire. I probably wouldn't have experienced unconditional love, being an entrepreneur, blogger, Brown Girl From Boston, fearless and fly girl, nor would I have experienced a healthy relationship or marriage.

I am thankful for the three years of experience with my ex but I am still through with him after 8 years later.

 Peace, Love, and FLYness
 Drea

Celebrating 5 Years of Being Mrs. Imafidon

My husband and I are celebrating 5 years of Black Love and Black Marriage! Marriage isn't easy but it is worth it because you become the best version of yourself with the help of your spouse. I am thankful to almost spend five years of my life with my best friend, my fellow Hip Hop head, my Brown Beau From Boston, Co-Creator of the Imafidon Empire, and all around FLY Guy, Mr. Imafidon.


People state that marriage is just a piece of paper which is a damn lie. Marriage is a spiritual connection that no one can break or disconnected. Marriage is an institution established by God in which no man or woman can break unless you are doing thangs(things) you aren't supposed to do. In this era in which side chicks and dudes are glorified and becoming the norm, people divorcing over stank breath and other nonsense; I am happy to say my husband and me finally are celebrating five years in the marriage game. We actually eloped in 2011 the I relocated back to New England which was the best decision we ever made because it was us and the judge professing our love to one another. He knew I wasn't going to relocate anywhere with him or anyone else without a lifetime commitment. I don't play with my time and life because life is too precious to be straddling the fence on love and marriage. Marriage is far from easy and perfect because you have two imperfect beings trying to co-exist and love one another despite flaws and imperfections, pressures from the world and social media to look this way, be this way, act this way, and have this or that.


Of course, people always have a negative connotation about marriage isn't deemed successful well that's too bad for you. My marriage is a work in progress and successful because we constantly work at being the best version of self for one another and for our future legacy. Cheers for five years in the marriage game, Black Love, and Black Marriage. I must give a major S/O to everyone who every crossed my husband's and I path and wished us well, encouraged and empowered to keep loving one another despite facing trials and tribulations, our village because it takes a village to keep a marriage going and keep being successful and Thank You God for helping us to see the good, bad, and indifferent in one another.


Just a side note for whoever that is reading this post, if you want to be married, you must date someone who is aligned with marriage. Life is too damn short to be someone's boyfriend/girlfriend for 50 million years. Stop selling yourself short because someone stated that they only want you for one thing and you dumb yourself to be used for that one day. Stop selling yourself short and spewing bitterness and negativity because your first or second or whatever number of marriages and relationships you had all failed and now you are stuck. Stop it because it is not cute, you look old and tired and you need to work on your inner self. Love is beautiful and just because one relationship failed doesn't mean you should tell other folks to hope on the hate-filled and bitterness bandwagon.  Nah, don't do it. Don't settle for being a Baby Mama or a Baby Daddy because you were created to be a Queen to a King or a King to a Queen. That BM and BD Drama is for the birds and also it doesn't take much to lay down with anyone and wake up to a lifelong commitment to someone who despise. Don't do it. You are more than that and have more to offer than the BM and BD role.
Once again if you are about that life cool but don't go around tearing down love and marriage especially if you never experienced a healthy, happy, and holistic relationship.

State your intentions up front and if their intentions don't match yours, it is time to throw the peace sign up and keep it moving. If you want to be married, open your mouth and state that from the beginning. Don't allow anyone to tell you any differently. Don't allow someone to dumb down your standard of married and reduce it to shacking up and being in an unavailable and one-sided relationship. Please don't do it.

Here are FIVE Tips on Black Love and Black Marriage from the 33 Year Old Brown Girl From Boston:

1. Your marriage is your marriage. Please stop comparing your marriage to The Obamas, Jay and Bey, and other folks you don't know. These couples have their own vows and commitment and you do to. Stay true to yours and stop worshipping other folks marriage that you have no idea on what goes on behind closed doors.

2. Stop telling your martial business to family, friends, and folks who don't give a damn about you and your marriage. Some folks hate, yes hate marriage and of course, they don't want to see your marriage successful, want your spouse, and want your life. Close your mouth and deal with the issues within your own marriage. If you are having a tough time, please seek professional help and help from the elders who have been in this marriage game for eons. Seek the elders, not your little friends who don't know anything about marriage or secretly praying for your downfall.

3. Marriages go through so many transitions and so do you. You are not always going to be fine as wine and neither is your spouse. That is why you must look beyond looks, money, and material things before you get married. How are you and your spouse are going to deal with the good, the bad, and the ugly? For example, I became ill during the second year of my marriage and still dealing with my illness. My husband and I had to hold on tight to one another because it was a rollercoaster ride of emotions, feelings, and transitions. We didn't throw in the towel and I am pretty sure we both wanted to run away from home from time to time. So, ride the martial and life rollercoaster, boo.

4. You are not obligated to have your womb policed by anyone. One of the most annoying things I had to deal with was people asking me when the baby was coming. Umm, can I just enjoy my husband and deal with legacy building later? I had to shut down conversations when it came down to this private matter. Stop asking folks when they are going to have a baby and stop shaming them if they don't have one or take longer than you would like to have one. Having a baby is such a fragile and sensitive topic because someone people don't want children. Some people can't have children. Some people want to wait to have children because the world is crazy. Please mind your business and stop policing marriage couples sex and reproductive life.

5. Let your spouse live and give them permission to be them. I had to learn that my husband's culture, upbringing, the perspective of life, personality, and life was opposite and similar to my life. I had to accept that and accept that I can't change him but give him permission to be Charles David Imafidon and vice versa. You cannot change your spouse, hell you have a difficult time trying to change yourself. Once I gave my husband permission to be who he is, that made married life easier to deal with. Let you spouse live and stop trying to control every aspect of their life. Also I know my role in my marriage and don't overstep my boundaries and roles. (I see you feminists rolling your eyes) Man listen, my life is easier with a spouse because I am not always on point, I don't give it my all everyday, and I am not always the best wife somedays and my husband accept that. I thoroughly enjoy the balance of being married instead of being a Strong, Black, Independent Superwoman. Nah, I am good on that. I love having someone to balance out life with and reign on the throne with. I like the duality that marriage provides.

I have to thank you once again for reading and supporting Brown Girl From Boston. If you ever met my husband and me and loved on us, blessed us, supported us, and empower us; thank you and bless your life. We appreciate everyone who adds positivity, love, and prosperity to Team Imafidon and Team Brown Girl and Brown Beau From Boston.

Cheers to five years of being Mrs. Andrea Camille Stallworth Imafidon cheers to unapologetic Black Love and Marriage and Cheers to the Imafidon Empire! S/O to all my married family and friends who are working hard building together!

Paying Homage to Black Love: Celebrating Four Years of Marriage

"Feel Like Love, Love
And it feel like love love... love
And it feel like love love... uh, yo...
Caught in the act of, it’s hard to fall back love
I wish we all could experience black love" -Rapsody ft Common Feel like Love