If I’m Honest Is Here: What Healing Taught Me About Choosing Myself

Whew.

I wrote another book, y’all.

And If I’m Honest is officially out in the world.

Even typing that feels a little wild because this book came from a version of me who was trying to figure out what life looked like after disappointment, heartbreak, change, grief, and realizing that some things I desperately wanted were simply not meant to come with me into my next chapter.

If I’m honest, no pun intended, I didn’t know all of this was going to turn into a book. I was just writing. Writing through the silence. Writing through the questions. Writing when I was angry. Writing when I finally had clarity. Writing when God was showing me things about myself that I probably would have preferred not to see. 😂

And somewhere in all of that writing, I started meeting myself again.

Not the version of me who could tolerate anything. Not the version who thought being understanding meant having unlimited grace for everybody except herself. Not the version who made herself smaller so other people could remain comfortable.

Me.

The woman underneath all of that.

Healing Didn’t Look Like I Thought It Would

Healing wasn’t me sitting around waiting until I magically felt better. It looked like therapy. It looked like boundaries. It looked like prayer. It looked like being quiet long enough to hear myself think. It looked like accepting that closure doesn’t always come with an apology or explanation.

But healing also started looking like living.

I started creating again. I picked up watercolor paint. I made jewelry. I danced. I traveled. I took photographs. I joined a writing community. I tried new things simply because they sounded interesting.

And somehow, in one of the hardest seasons of my life, my creativity came alive.

That part still gets me.

Because sometimes we think healing means getting back to who we were before something happened.

I don’t want to go back.

I like who I’m becoming.

And Then There Was If I’m Honest

This is probably the most vulnerable book I’ve written. There are essays. There are interludes. There are pieces of my story that required me to sit with myself and ask, Girl, are we really putting this in the book?

Apparently, the answer was yes. 😂

So congratulations.

This is your opportunity to get all up in my business.

But underneath the humor is something much deeper. I wrote If I’m Honest because I know I’m not the only person who has had to rebuild. I’m not the only woman who has loved deeply and then had to learn how to pour some of that love back into herself.

I’m not the only person who has had plans fall apart and wondered, Okay, God…now what?

And I’m definitely not the only person who has discovered that sometimes the life waiting on the other side of disappointment looks nothing like the life we originally prayed for.

Sometimes it looks different.

And sometimes, different turns out to be beautiful.

🎥 Watch Me Read From If I’m Honest

  

In this video, I’m sharing a little piece of If I’m Honest, talking about what this book means to me, and saying thank you to everyone who has supported me along the way.

And yes, I misspoke in the video. I’m an ’80s baby who was raised in the ’90s. Y’all knew what I meant. 😂 I wasn’t recording it again!

The Silence Became Sacred

There was a time when silence felt uncomfortable to me.

Now?

The silence became sacred.

It gave me room to hear God. It gave me room to hear myself. It gave me room to stop chasing answers and start paying attention to what my life was teaching me.

Eventually, I stopped asking how I could get my old life back.

I started asking:

What can I create with the life I have now?

Apparently, quite a bit.

A book. Art. Joy. Peace. New experiences. A softer relationship with myself.

And I’m just getting started.

Thank You

To everybody who has read Brown Girl From Boston over the years, purchased one of my books, shared one of my posts, sent me a message, encouraged my creativity, prayed for me, or simply quietly rooted for me: thank you.

Seriously.

I don’t take any of it for granted.

And above everything else, I give thanks to the Most High for the gift of writing. For giving me something to say. For allowing me to turn pain into purpose without pretending the pain never happened. For reminding me that an ending doesn’t mean God is finished writing the story.

So today, I’m celebrating.

Not just because I published another book.

I’m celebrating because I stayed the course.

I kept living. I kept healing. I kept creating. I kept praying.

And I kept becoming.

If I’m Honest is officially here.

Come get all up in my business. 😂🤎📖

And maybe somewhere inside my story, you’ll recognize a little bit of your own.

Peace, Love, and Light,

Drea

📖 Get Your Copy of If I’m Honest

If I’m Honest: Essays on Truth, Healing, Love, and Becoming is available now.

The Wait Is Over: If I'm Honest Is Available for Preorder

There are moments in life that feel almost impossible to put into words.

This is one of them.

For the past several months, I quietly stepped away from social media. From the outside, it may have looked like I disappeared. But behind the scenes, I was living one of the most transformative seasons of my life.

I healed.

I traveled.

I prayed.

I cried.

I created.

And somewhere between the quiet mornings, therapy sessions, solo adventures, photographs, journal entries, and conversations with God, I wrote.

Today, I'm incredibly excited to finally introduce If I'm Honest, the realest book I've ever written.

This isn't just another book. It's a collection of essays born from a season of becoming. Every page reflects moments of faith, healing, forgiveness, boundaries, love, grief, joy, and choosing myself again.

Some stories made me laugh.

Some made me cry.

Some challenged me to confront parts of myself I had ignored for far too long.

For the first time, I'm sharing pieces of my journey that I've never shared publicly. My hope is that as you read these essays, you'll find pieces of your own story within them.

If you've ever had to rebuild your life...

If you've ever questioned your worth...

If you've ever wondered whether healing was still possible...

This book was written with you in mind.

🤎 Preorders Are Officially Open

If I'm Honest officially releases on August 19, and today I'm inviting you to be part of this journey from the very beginning.

If my writing has ever encouraged you through Brown Girl From Boston, I would be honored if you preordered a copy.

📖 Preorder your copy today: (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H96JK4W7)

Thank you for reading my words, supporting my creative journey, and believing in me long before this book ever existed.

This season refined me, not defined me.

And now, I finally get to share what the quiet was creating.

Much love and light,

Drea

Through My Lens: Post-Therapy Thoughts at the Lake

 

Photo by Andrea Stallworth
Choccolocco Park | Oxford, Alabama

                                                            Jesus wept. So did I.

After my therapy session, there were no words left.

Sometimes words can't carry the weight of what you're feeling.

Sometimes you just have to get still, listen to God, and cry.

The Art of Choosing Myself

                An excerpt from my upcoming essay collection, If I'm Being Honest

There comes a point in life when you realize you've spent more time waiting than living.

Waiting for the right season.
Waiting for the right relationship.
Waiting until you feel ready.
Waiting for permission to fully embrace the life that's already yours.

For years, I believed joy would arrive someday—that life would truly begin once everything fell into place. Healing taught me something different. It reminded me that life isn't something we postpone until the circumstances are perfect. It's unfolding every single day.

The Art of Choosing Myself is one of the most personal essays in my upcoming collection, If I'm Being Honest, because it tells the story of what happened when I stopped waiting and started living.

I hope these words encourage you to embrace the life you have today while trusting God with the life you're still praying for.

---

There was a time when I believed joy had to be shared to be real.

I thought the best meals were meant to be eaten across from someone else.

The best concerts were meant to be experienced hand in hand.

The best vacations require company.

The best memories needed witnesses.

Then life taught me something unexpected.

Some of the most beautiful moments of my life happened when it was just me.

After years of surviving, grieving, rebuilding, and waiting for life to feel "normal" again, I stopped postponing my happiness.

I stopped waiting for someone to accompany me before I experienced joy.

Instead, I started asking myself a different question:

"What would make me feel alive today?"

Sometimes the answer was simple.

A walk through an art festival.

A concert under the stars.

A museum.

A solo road trip.

A quiet dinner.

A candle-making class.

Taking photographs of places that made me pause.

Watching people dance.

Laughing with strangers.

Buying myself flowers just because.

None of those moments were extraordinary by themselves.

But together, they became something sacred.

They became evidence that my life was happening now—not someday.

For years, I unknowingly postponed joy.

"I'll do that when I'm married."

"I'll go there when I have someone."

"I'll celebrate after I accomplish this."

Healing reminded me that life is not a waiting room.

It is happening every single day.

I realized I wasn't learning how to be alone.

I was learning how to enjoy my own company.

There's a difference.

Being alone can feel like absence.

Enjoying your own company feels like freedom.

The more I chose myself, the less I needed external validation to enjoy my life.

I became curious again.

Creative again.

Playful again.

I started saying yes to experiences instead of excuses.

I wandered through festivals with my camera.

I explored cities I'd never seen before.

I laughed out loud with no audience.

I created memories that belonged entirely to me.

And somewhere along the way...

I stopped feeling like I was waiting for my life to begin.

It already had.

One of the greatest gifts healing gave me wasn't confidence.

It was permission.

Permission to stop waiting.

Permission to stop apologizing for taking up space.

Permission to enjoy the life God had already given me.

Today, choosing myself doesn't look selfish.

It looks like stewardship.

It looks like honoring the woman God is shaping me into.

It looks like protecting my peace.

It looks like saying yes to joy, even when no one else is there to witness it.

Ironically, the more I learned to enjoy my own company, the more open I became to healthy companionship.

Not because I needed someone to complete my life.

But because I had finally built a life worth sharing.

Choosing myself never meant choosing isolation.

It meant refusing to abandon myself ever again.

Because if I'm honest...

The greatest love story I almost missed...

Was the one between the woman I was becoming and me.

---

Thank you for reading.

The Art of Choosing Myself is one of the essays featured in my upcoming collection, If I'm Being Honest, a book about healing, faith, resilience, and learning to embrace the life you're living while trusting God with the life you're still praying for.

📖 Pre-order your copy here:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H96JK4W7

Thank you for supporting independent authors and for being part of this journey.

Love,

Drea

 

Through My Lens: God's Timing Is Better Than Mine

                                            The light was there, even when I couldn't see it.

Photography by Andrea Stallworth | Brown Girl From Boston

Last year, I wouldn't have been able to appreciate the light shining in the various areas of my life because I was coexisting with darkness. I was hurting, grieving, searching, and trying to understand what God was doing in my life.

I often refer to that season as my Job season. Yet even in my brokenness, God never abandoned me. He did not shy away from my tears, my questions, or my pain. Instead, He stayed close and continued to shine His light on the places within me that needed healing, restoration, and growth.

As Psalm 34:18 reminds us:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Day by day, God began repairing the hidden places of my heart. He revealed wounds I needed to confront, lessons I needed to learn, and strengths I didn't know I possessed.

Today, I still don't have everything figured out, and that's okay. I've learned that God's timing will always be better than my own. What I do know is this: I have come to appreciate the many ways His light appears in my life. Sometimes it arrives as peace. Sometimes, as growth. Sometimes, as unexpected opportunities. And sometimes as a quiet reminder that He has been with me all along.

The darkness did not last forever. The light was there, even when I couldn't see it.

 

                                        Peace arrives when we stop rushing God's timing.

Photography by Andrea Stallworth | Brown Girl From Boston

So Today, I Cried Instead of Crashing Out

                                                    So, today I cried instead of crashing out.
                                                        Instead of Jesus wept, I wept

                                                       at the most inopportune moment.

I tried to hold it in.
You’re not supposed to cry on camera,
not in front of your supervisor.
But I didn’t care.

I needed to weep.
To be seen as human.
To let go of the perfectionist mask.

I wept for those who can’t.
For those who struggle to express
misplaced emotions and buried feelings.
I wept for past experiences
that left me broken and bleeding in silence.

I wept into my mother’s arms—
because the pain was too much
to hold on my own.

So, I wept.

Will I do it again?
I’m afraid so.
But weeping…There 
was a feeling of sweet sorrow.

In that moment of vulnerability,
I didn’t apologize.
I took a deep breath and said:
“I don’t belong here.”
My purpose and plan are
beyond this place.

Those words came from a place of
discernment,
self-awareness,
and discovery.

I’m thankful for the space I was in—
safe enough to break down
and still stand up again.

Yes, I wept.
With embarrassment.
And empowerment.

Because this isn’t my final resting place.
This is just a stop along the journey.
And I know—I know—
I’m rising to the top.

By Andrea C. Stallworth
 

✨ Author’s Note
I wrote this poem on a difficult day, one that reminded me of the power of my creativity when it flows freely. I hadn’t written poetry in a while, but the heaviness cracked something open. It reminded me that my best work doesn’t come from being micromanaged, criticized, or governed. It comes from my truth. From my soul. There’s a part of me I’ve suppressed for too long, and it’s time to let her rise, unapologetically.