"If you don't want me, don't talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself. " Fantasia, Free Yourself
I can relate to the song lyrics above because I firmly believe in being accessible and liberated from things that don't serve you. A few months before I started my coaching journey and Brown Girl From Boston blog, I came across a 2009 Facebook note I wrote right after graduating from graduate school. I had to revise and edit this article because this subject matter is running rampant. As a woman of color, we get caught up with mainstream society, allowing others to dictate our self-esteem and giving our power away to others due to being in bondage and not using our voice.
I remember writing this note and being disgusted by our lack of knowledge and self-esteem. In 2009, I was breaking free from a three-year abusive relationship, found my voice, and started advocating for young girls and women who are victims of domestic violence. We must remember to tell our story to shed light on taboo but realistic issues.
Summer 2009:
Hello all! While getting my hair tightened up the other day, I was reading June 2009 Essence magazine with J. Hud gracing the front cover. Many articles within this issue were exciting, but this particular article caught my eye. This article was under the sexual health topic, but as a master-level social worker, I felt that this article is a social issue that dealt with self-imagine, self-esteem, and mental health issues. I wanted to share this article with my people especially my Black sistahs. Please forgive me because I forgot the name of the article but the primary focus was about sistahs self-esteem and outlook on pleasing men in relationships. (I can see the eyes rollings and sucking teeth, lol).
I am always trying to build my self-esteem and confidence because there was a point at which my self-esteem and confidence were at a low while I was in a three-year abusive relationship with my ex. People wouldn't think this about me because I always wore a mask to hide behind the pain and suffering that I went through. But this blog post is not about me and my struggles; it's about us and our struggles.
Within the article, Essence reported that 900,000 African American/Black women EACH YEAR are getting cosmetic surgery, while Caucasian/White women's numbers have slightly declined within this past year. Lately, cosmetic surgery is increasing among sistahs; for example, Vivica A. Fox and Lil' Kim. Lil' Kim underwent cosmetic surgery because she wanted to be the "Black Barbie". More and more celebrities, African Americans/Blacks, are getting things nipped and tucked.
This is where my questions come in...Where does this all stem from?
In Essence, the article discusses the media, culture, music, and attitudes towards sistahs. One sister, who is 40 years old and a professional, spends $500 a month (who has $500 extra to spend in this economy) to get hydrogel injected into her backside to look like the "voluptuous video vixens" such as folded King's magazine popular pin-up girl Angel Lola in which her measurements are 36-22-40 (I guess she is a Brickhouse). The 40-year-old professional confessed that she is tired of coming home to an empty house and wants to keep a man interested in her because she is tired of the twenty-something "taking all the men." So instead of this 40-year-old using her brains and inner beauty, she wants to pay for outer beauty, which in due time fades away to keep a man interested in her?
That is why I propose the question: Where does this pseudo-beauty come into play? Who set these standards? Are we, as sistahs, actually beautiful and comfortable within our skin? Are we conforming and assimilating to the mainstream society? You must assess the environment, self-awareness, self-esteem, confidence level, and family values and beliefs.
Many people are unaware of self-esteem in which lack of confidence due to lack of knowledge, confidence, and self-esteem within their own families, such as mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, etc. Modeling/Mirroring is a critical factor in personal growth and development for people. For example, if you grew up in a household where positive modeling of self-esteem was not displayed and going to school where you may look different from other girls, self-esteem and self-imagine issues will occur. School-age children are mean, and if you don't fit into that "Stepford wives/video vixen" imagery, then bullying and other cruelty occur, which can cause a child to grow up with uncertainty and unsureness about their image, which can cause severe issues.
Let's discuss the topic of getting and pleasing a man. Within the same article in Essence, one young lady in her mid-twenties discussed how she is enrolled in an oral sex class at a local adult shop due to her "lack of experience and knowledge" about oral sex. She further explained how her current boyfriend "inspired," but in my opinion, he "exploited" her. This young lady's "oh so loving" boyfriend told her that her "head game" was lacking, and she needed a crash course on oral sex for them to continue their relationship. When I read this section, my mouth dropped because he was demeaning her, and she was also demeaning herself by agreeing with him. She agreed and enrolled in the class to become aware and to upgrade her "head game." So she took the infamous political leader Malcolm X's motto, "By Any Means Necessary," to another level.
According to Maslow's hierarchy of Needs, as human beings, we all need security, love, social belonging, and furthermore. We all want to belong and receive love from others, but at the same time, we should want healthy, fulfilling, and satisfying love. I was more saddened and hurt than angry for this young lady because she was crying out for love and belonging but was receiving the wrong type. Somewhere within her developmental stage, she did not receive the appropriate and healthy attachment, positive modeling, and nurturing that many of us lack. So, when we have not received appropriate behaviors such as healthy love, a sense of belonging, and attachment, we latch onto unhealthy behaviors and people. This is when self-esteem and confidence become an issue that needs attention immediately.
We are worth more than our sexuality and bodies. As far as that young man, he doesn't love and respect himself enough to realize that love is not defined as instant sexual gratification. I wonder how he would feel if someone viewed his mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, daughter, and cousins as mere sex objects? That young lady is someone's daughter, sister, niece, cousin, or mother.
For centuries, sistahs have been looked at as being "promiscuous", "sexual deviants" and highly sexually. During slavery, black women's innocence and a piece of mind were taken away by being raped, beaten, and impregnated by their white slave masters. We are more than just our bodies and sexuality. Many black women have broken many stereotypes and cycles. We have a strong Black woman as our first lady, social workers, lawyers, doctors, teachers, activists and other professionals who display positive modeling to their families and within the communities.
We still need to break the slave mentality because some of us still have our bodies for sale in music videos, movies, and within the workplace by "sleeping your way up to the top." We are worth so much more; we are priceless. We need to break the cycle and invisible chains.
Thank you for reading the Brown Girl From Boston blog!
XOXO,
Drea
Have you dealt with a bout of low self-esteem? How did you overcome your struggle with low self-esteem?
Share your comments on this blog post, and just say hello. Look forward to hearing from you.
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