"What they do
They smile in your face
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)" -The O'Jays, Backstabbers 1972
Eddie Levert and The O'Jays were ahead of their time in 1972 when they released Backstabbers. Backstabbers is an ole school term of calling one of your "so-called" friends who turned against you. In 2014, we call them haters. Haters are not your motivators! See we can have hidden haters within our tribe but haven't adhered to the writing on the wall nor peeped the red flags.
Haters are easy to detect, you can see them coming a mile away but somehow you are existing in an abusive, highly dysfunctional pseudo-relationship. Let me tell you, end that craziness quickly because hating and negativity are bad for your health, chile. How do I know? I had to terminate and ousted a hidden hater from my village. I was in fakefriendsisship, (I just made that term up) from middle school to high school until I woke up and had enough. We did everything together from volunteering, play basketball and even work together. She even came to visit me during my freshman year at Tuskegee University in Alabama. But during our tremendous pseudo best friend sistership, she was preying and praying for my downfall. From name-calling to her negative attitude; all in the name of "Girl, l I'm just playing with you. Let's stop right here and dissect this one.
Now there is a time in place in which you do call a friend out in a firm and loving matter to bring attention to some unhealthy matters that are dimming your light and no longer serving you. You want to empower and encourage your sister-friends in your village to do better. You hold them accountable and responsible for their actions. You just don't tear them down and act foolishly because you think that's going to bring out the best in them. Not! You certainly don't go around and bash them to any and everyone who wants to hear. That's how ish gets started!
Therefore, I classify individuals like this as a hidden hater. Hidden haters are the ones who want to be like you, celebrate your mistakes/downfalls, have a fragile and untrained ego and tons of insecurities and mask it by being rude, overly and harshly opinionated and abusive. I digress....back to the topic. I had to finally let my hidden hater go because she brought to much pain, drama and dark days into my life and I allowed that to happen. I had to put my big girl panties on and admit to the negativity.
Ways to spot a hidden hater
He/she is miserable, bitter, resentful, ish starter loves conflict and controversy and love and thrives from seeing people beefing. These people are the ones who will show up and show out negatively. When you hear their name or realize they are going to be at a specific occasion you cringe because you know he/she is going to bring the pain like Method Man.
Hidden haters say things like
You think you are better than people? Who do you think you are to do (fill in the blank)? Take slick jabs at you. Covertly make slick remarks trying to cover up as a joke. You know such and such don't like you. Blah blah blah! They have nothing positive or nice to say because their life is filled with unresolved issues, fragile ego and miserable. Unfortunately, they are terrorizing someone else's life right now.
How and when to dismiss the hidden hater
Other people notice the handwriting on the wall before you do. Each day is a day closer to dismissing the hater. You have to be absolutely "sick and tired" of the nonsense. Once YOU get tired, you will release and surrender them with love and peace. You don't want to get on their level of basic bitterness. You want to hold yourself to a higher standard, forgive them and release them.
Forgiving is an action and practice in which you wholeheartedly forgive them for their actions and mistreatment because they don't know better, surviving at their basic level and they don't know how to love and be authentic because hurt people, hurt people. Hidden haters are hurt people who haven't healed and they go around and hurt others. You have to release them with love to clear the negativity. You can forgive and keep it moving. Forgiveness and surrendering don't mean to constantly deal with torment and abuse. Whether they accept your forgiveness that is on them but you did your part. Forgive yourself as well. Many times we beat ourselves up because of we "coulda", "woulda", "shoulda" ourselves to death but we now know better and decide to take action.
Also, keep an open heart and don't allow the days, weeks, months or years of damage to bring bitterness into your life. When you see hateration coming don't greet it, ignore it and run from it. Say no to basic bitterness. Get some hater spray and spray the haters away. Remember this scripture and apply it: 1 Cor 15:33: "Do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful habits." Hating is bad for your health and life is too short for fake friendships and sisterhood.
Thank you for reading Brown Girl From Boston! We appreciate you!
XOXO your sister-friend,
Drea
Coaching Question: Do you have a hidden hater disguise as a "friend" in your village? Have you terminated the fakefriendsisship?
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