Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Monday, December 11, 2023
Friday, August 27, 2021
FRAGILE VESSEL.... BLACK WOMEN
Much love and light to my tribe for this amazing panel. It’s an emotional panel discussing the plight of Black Women from the auction block to our city blocks. Grab some tissues and start doing the healing work.
Tuesday, February 18, 2020
What About Your Friends?
2020 mindset: We all have secret haters. Every smiling face that calls you “Fam,” “Sis,” or “bruh” is not your friend. Some people are out here are praying for your demise and downfall. Be careful of these people. Limit your access to these people. Listen to your intuition and let them go when your inner GPS alerts you of a redirection.
8 Qualities of a Great Friend:
1. Acceptance
2. Supportive
3. Reciprocity
4. Respect
5. Empathy
6. Loyalty
7. Honesty
8. Trust
Follow Drea on FB and IG @browngirlfromboston.
www.browngirlfromboston.com for all blog post and coaching needs
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Once Upon A Time I Was Temporarily Dislocated in Chicago: Confessions From A Former 20-Something-Year-Old Divorcee
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| 2010 Lakeshore Drive, Lake Michigan, 20-something year old Drea |
"Unhappy stressed, yelling don't mislead my ass
I mean I make it so easy don't please my ass
The shoe was on the other foot and you would leave my ass."
Love Me Not, J. Cole
I was recently reminded, that I was once married for a short, brief period in 2010! Thanks to Facebook's "On The Day" for the reminder. I remember I used to hide the fact that I was once a 20-something-year-old divorced woman! I was only sick as my secrets and being a divorced 20-something-year old was a huge secret to keep to yourself. I had to repurpose this blog post to share my story for those who is going through a similar situationship or contemplating this similar situation. I am a firm believer to live and speak your truth in a kind and firm way. I guess I held this secret from the world because I did not want the judgment (and I am sure someone is judging, but that's cool, I see you). I did not want to feel the guilt, shame and relive the embarrassment feeling again. I was immature, hurt, and in denial about my divorce because in my eyes and the eyes of others, successful, but successful people make plenty of mistakes and share their mistakes and a hot mess.
Temporarily Dislocated in Chicago I've relocated to Chicago because I truly mistaken love for lust and like. I grew tired and weary of being in a long distance My ex-husband and I decided to become engaged after four months (Yes, four freaking months) *you don't know anyone in four months* of knowing one another and got married within six months (six months is when the mask finally comes off!) . As I look back at this, neither one of us was thinking about this major decision. My heart, low-esteem, and desperation at that time did get in the way. At first, I became excited to move to Chicago to finally be united with the "temporary like of my life," but slowly but surely the thrill was gone before the ink dried on the marriage certification. When I finally decided to make the drastic, impulsive, and one-sided decision to move to Chicago, my family, friends, and co-workers when questioned my decision. People, who intimately know me, know that I take my time and plan out things before making an irrational decision. In life, you have to take risks and this was one huge risk I took. I definitely took one for the team! Read More About My Journey in Chicago
As I have reread my earlier blog post about my divorce, I thought to myself how much of a survivor and resilient person I had to be during my time in Chicago. There were some dark days and some days filled with light and gratitude because we both no longer had to suffer in a lustful/unlikable marriage. I had to do my work and that work was difficult but I did it! I had to really heal my inner FLY Girl by reflecting on why I needed someone to confirm my greatness. I had to figure out why I was attracting certain people and their broken spirit within my life. How did my self-esteem and confidence become almost non-existence? Why did I accept emotional and mental abuse? Son, the work was real! I was like God, I just can't now. Every time, I said that I redeveloped a new fight, faith system, and restoration of myself. I had to do the work while I was existing in the valley. Yes, I had a failed marriage but that doesn't make me or another divorced person a failure. This too shall pass. I am thankful that I was able to experience this "failure" because it definitely matured me, grounded me, and taught me to become more transparent and live life to the fullest. You learn a lot from being divorced. Divorce people don't need your opinions, or the "I told you so" or any negative comments. Just love on them, listen to them and just be there. Drea's Four Tips on Overcoming a Divorce, Breakup, and Overall Hot Mess Situations: Forgiveness: I had to do a lot of work around forgiveness. I had to forgive myself and ex-husband. I am still forgiving myself and my failures. Some days, I didn't want to forgive, I didn't want to hurt, and I did want revenge. I let God handle all that because I will further Eff things up if I took matters in my hand. Forgiveness is ugly, it is not cute and I would suggest you to wear your fine trends when you are on the battlefield of forgiveness. Forgiveness takes practice. Yes, practice. Oh, did I mention practice? (In my A.I. voice) We are talking about practice.
Grieve: Divorce is the death of a marriage. Divorce hurts so much that you wish that your ex-spouse died instead. You have to really take care of yourself and understand that you are grieving. You will experience all the stages of grieve that Kubler-Ross studied and researched intensively. I remember being so angry and depressed at work one point. I cried until I sobbed at my desk. My coworker had to put on my coat, like Bobby Byrd use to do James Brown after his performances) and get me out the building because it was ugly. I was grieving during that pivotal moment.
Release People with Love: People are going to judge you, try to throw things in your face, and bring up your past mistakes and failures in your face. What did I do? I had to release them with love. Oh those so-called friends that were "riding" with me were the same ones who judged me and sipped on major tea during my divorce and darkness. ( I didn't crumble!) Do you want to know who your true friends and family are? Go through a death, divorce, marriage, and become successful. You will quickly see who is down for you.
You have to do your work. Son, I had to do some major restoration within. I was not always this FLY Girl. I had to do the work from previous relationships, childhood, and all other previous situations. I had to peel back so many various layers of my life. I had to get down to the core and really heal my inner FLY girl. That journey is not over. I have days in which I don't feel like getting out of bed. I have days in which I am on top of the world. I have days in which I am indifferent about my life but I don't quit on myself. I did my work and I am continuously doing the work.
I am thankful that I went through my divorce as a 20-something-year-old woman. I went through a tremendous amount of growing pangs, self-discovery, and evolve to this imperfect FLY Girl. I always knew that I was FLY but I had to grow through some thangs (yes, thangs) to see how resilient, strong, unique and awesome I am. I had to go through my divorce to grow into maturity, become a better human being and a better wife to my now husband. I use to ask God why did I have to go through such a horrific personal experience of being a 20-something-year-old divorce woman. I have received the answers and I am thankful for his insight and the people who were brought into my life throughout the struggle moments.
If you are a 20-something, 30-something, 40-something divorced person, you are not a failure. I don't care what society, your family, or "friends" thinks about divorced people, you are amazing. You are going to get through this difficult time because you are going to do your work. Make sure you are gentle and loving yourself a bit more because you are grieving the loss of a marriage and marital partner. Forgive yourself, do something every day that is going to bring a smile to yourself and restore your FLYness, and surround yourself with non-judgmental, healthy, and loving people. You got this! You don't have to heal your inner FLYness alone. There are plenty if resources such as support groups, therapists, reading material, life coaches like myself who can help you. Just remember to do you inner work to heal. It is worth it, you will grow from it, and you will survive it.
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Temporarily Dislocated in Chicago I've relocated to Chicago because I truly mistaken love for lust and like. I grew tired and weary of being in a long distance My ex-husband and I decided to become engaged after four months (Yes, four freaking months) *you don't know anyone in four months* of knowing one another and got married within six months (six months is when the mask finally comes off!) . As I look back at this, neither one of us was thinking about this major decision. My heart, low-esteem, and desperation at that time did get in the way. At first, I became excited to move to Chicago to finally be united with the "temporary like of my life," but slowly but surely the thrill was gone before the ink dried on the marriage certification. When I finally decided to make the drastic, impulsive, and one-sided decision to move to Chicago, my family, friends, and co-workers when questioned my decision. People, who intimately know me, know that I take my time and plan out things before making an irrational decision. In life, you have to take risks and this was one huge risk I took. I definitely took one for the team! Read More About My Journey in Chicago
As I have reread my earlier blog post about my divorce, I thought to myself how much of a survivor and resilient person I had to be during my time in Chicago. There were some dark days and some days filled with light and gratitude because we both no longer had to suffer in a lustful/unlikable marriage. I had to do my work and that work was difficult but I did it! I had to really heal my inner FLY Girl by reflecting on why I needed someone to confirm my greatness. I had to figure out why I was attracting certain people and their broken spirit within my life. How did my self-esteem and confidence become almost non-existence? Why did I accept emotional and mental abuse? Son, the work was real! I was like God, I just can't now. Every time, I said that I redeveloped a new fight, faith system, and restoration of myself. I had to do the work while I was existing in the valley. Yes, I had a failed marriage but that doesn't make me or another divorced person a failure. This too shall pass. I am thankful that I was able to experience this "failure" because it definitely matured me, grounded me, and taught me to become more transparent and live life to the fullest. You learn a lot from being divorced. Divorce people don't need your opinions, or the "I told you so" or any negative comments. Just love on them, listen to them and just be there. Drea's Four Tips on Overcoming a Divorce, Breakup, and Overall Hot Mess Situations: Forgiveness: I had to do a lot of work around forgiveness. I had to forgive myself and ex-husband. I am still forgiving myself and my failures. Some days, I didn't want to forgive, I didn't want to hurt, and I did want revenge. I let God handle all that because I will further Eff things up if I took matters in my hand. Forgiveness is ugly, it is not cute and I would suggest you to wear your fine trends when you are on the battlefield of forgiveness. Forgiveness takes practice. Yes, practice. Oh, did I mention practice? (In my A.I. voice) We are talking about practice.
Grieve: Divorce is the death of a marriage. Divorce hurts so much that you wish that your ex-spouse died instead. You have to really take care of yourself and understand that you are grieving. You will experience all the stages of grieve that Kubler-Ross studied and researched intensively. I remember being so angry and depressed at work one point. I cried until I sobbed at my desk. My coworker had to put on my coat, like Bobby Byrd use to do James Brown after his performances) and get me out the building because it was ugly. I was grieving during that pivotal moment.
Release People with Love: People are going to judge you, try to throw things in your face, and bring up your past mistakes and failures in your face. What did I do? I had to release them with love. Oh those so-called friends that were "riding" with me were the same ones who judged me and sipped on major tea during my divorce and darkness. ( I didn't crumble!) Do you want to know who your true friends and family are? Go through a death, divorce, marriage, and become successful. You will quickly see who is down for you.
You have to do your work. Son, I had to do some major restoration within. I was not always this FLY Girl. I had to do the work from previous relationships, childhood, and all other previous situations. I had to peel back so many various layers of my life. I had to get down to the core and really heal my inner FLY girl. That journey is not over. I have days in which I don't feel like getting out of bed. I have days in which I am on top of the world. I have days in which I am indifferent about my life but I don't quit on myself. I did my work and I am continuously doing the work.
I am thankful that I went through my divorce as a 20-something-year-old woman. I went through a tremendous amount of growing pangs, self-discovery, and evolve to this imperfect FLY Girl. I always knew that I was FLY but I had to grow through some thangs (yes, thangs) to see how resilient, strong, unique and awesome I am. I had to go through my divorce to grow into maturity, become a better human being and a better wife to my now husband. I use to ask God why did I have to go through such a horrific personal experience of being a 20-something-year-old divorce woman. I have received the answers and I am thankful for his insight and the people who were brought into my life throughout the struggle moments.
If you are a 20-something, 30-something, 40-something divorced person, you are not a failure. I don't care what society, your family, or "friends" thinks about divorced people, you are amazing. You are going to get through this difficult time because you are going to do your work. Make sure you are gentle and loving yourself a bit more because you are grieving the loss of a marriage and marital partner. Forgive yourself, do something every day that is going to bring a smile to yourself and restore your FLYness, and surround yourself with non-judgmental, healthy, and loving people. You got this! You don't have to heal your inner FLYness alone. There are plenty if resources such as support groups, therapists, reading material, life coaches like myself who can help you. Just remember to do you inner work to heal. It is worth it, you will grow from it, and you will survive it.
Thursday, October 30, 2014
For Brown Girls: Be Better, Not Basic! Stop Associating with Haters
"What they do
They smile in your face
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)" -The O'Jays, Backstabbers 1972
Eddie Levert and The O'Jays were ahead of their time in 1972 when they released Backstabbers. Backstabbers is an ole school term of calling one of your "so-called" friends who turned against you. In 2014, we call them haters. Haters are not your motivators! See we can have hidden haters within our tribe but haven't adhered to the writing on the wall nor peeped the red flags.
Haters are easy to detect, you can see them coming a mile away but somehow you are existing in an abusive, highly dysfunctional pseudo-relationship. Let me tell you, end that craziness quickly because hating and negativity are bad for your health, chile. How do I know? I had to terminate and ousted a hidden hater from my village. I was in fakefriendsisship, (I just made that term up) from middle school to high school until I woke up and had enough. We did everything together from volunteering, play basketball and even work together. She even came to visit me during my freshman year at Tuskegee University in Alabama. But during our tremendous pseudo best friend sistership, she was preying and praying for my downfall. From name-calling to her negative attitude; all in the name of "Girl, l I'm just playing with you. Let's stop right here and dissect this one.
Now there is a time in place in which you do call a friend out in a firm and loving matter to bring attention to some unhealthy matters that are dimming your light and no longer serving you. You want to empower and encourage your sister-friends in your village to do better. You hold them accountable and responsible for their actions. You just don't tear them down and act foolishly because you think that's going to bring out the best in them. Not! You certainly don't go around and bash them to any and everyone who wants to hear. That's how ish gets started!
Therefore, I classify individuals like this as a hidden hater. Hidden haters are the ones who want to be like you, celebrate your mistakes/downfalls, have a fragile and untrained ego and tons of insecurities and mask it by being rude, overly and harshly opinionated and abusive. I digress....back to the topic. I had to finally let my hidden hater go because she brought to much pain, drama and dark days into my life and I allowed that to happen. I had to put my big girl panties on and admit to the negativity.
Ways to spot a hidden hater
He/she is miserable, bitter, resentful, ish starter loves conflict and controversy and love and thrives from seeing people beefing. These people are the ones who will show up and show out negatively. When you hear their name or realize they are going to be at a specific occasion you cringe because you know he/she is going to bring the pain like Method Man.
Hidden haters say things like
You think you are better than people? Who do you think you are to do (fill in the blank)? Take slick jabs at you. Covertly make slick remarks trying to cover up as a joke. You know such and such don't like you. Blah blah blah! They have nothing positive or nice to say because their life is filled with unresolved issues, fragile ego and miserable. Unfortunately, they are terrorizing someone else's life right now.
How and when to dismiss the hidden hater
Other people notice the handwriting on the wall before you do. Each day is a day closer to dismissing the hater. You have to be absolutely "sick and tired" of the nonsense. Once YOU get tired, you will release and surrender them with love and peace. You don't want to get on their level of basic bitterness. You want to hold yourself to a higher standard, forgive them and release them.
Forgiving is an action and practice in which you wholeheartedly forgive them for their actions and mistreatment because they don't know better, surviving at their basic level and they don't know how to love and be authentic because hurt people, hurt people. Hidden haters are hurt people who haven't healed and they go around and hurt others. You have to release them with love to clear the negativity. You can forgive and keep it moving. Forgiveness and surrendering don't mean to constantly deal with torment and abuse. Whether they accept your forgiveness that is on them but you did your part. Forgive yourself as well. Many times we beat ourselves up because of we "coulda", "woulda", "shoulda" ourselves to death but we now know better and decide to take action.
Also, keep an open heart and don't allow the days, weeks, months or years of damage to bring bitterness into your life. When you see hateration coming don't greet it, ignore it and run from it. Say no to basic bitterness. Get some hater spray and spray the haters away. Remember this scripture and apply it: 1 Cor 15:33: "Do not be misled. Bad associations spoil useful habits." Hating is bad for your health and life is too short for fake friendships and sisterhood.
Thank you for reading Brown Girl From Boston! We appreciate you!
XOXO your sister-friend,
Drea
Coaching Question: Do you have a hidden hater disguise as a "friend" in your village? Have you terminated the fakefriendsisship?
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