Why I Refuse to Lose in Life

'...Do you hear me, do you feel me? We gon' be alright

...Wouldn't you know

We have been hurt, been down before

When our pride in the world like Lookin' at the world like, "Where do we go?" 

-Kendrick Lamar, Alright

To get myself to the finish line I kept telling myself; I refuse to lose and losing isn't in my bloodline." -Andrea C. Imafidon

Recently, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that affects my mood, joints, movement, and appearance in which I had to change my entire lifestyle. I'm extremely overjoyed about running and completing my first 5K.  During the time when I was scheduled to run my three, 5k marathons,  I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. During this moment, I wanted to quit, runaway, hide and disappeared from the world.  

Imagine, going to the doctor explaining unexpected weight gain, depression, loss of outer eyebrows, tenderness of breast, inflammation of joints and ligaments and the list continues after 3 plus years. You are hoping and praying that everything will go back to normal and summing up symptoms of aging. It didn't help that these incompetent doctors try to tell me that it is all in my head and the symptoms will eventually go away. I have had doctors and an incompetent and insensitive dermatologist suggested that I had a mental health issue because of my constant symptoms. After I was done telling her where to go and reporting this incompetent and insensitive dermatologist, I kept researching and pushing for answers. At that moment, I had refused to lose and refused to settle for the "it's all in your head" answer.

I was afraid, fragile and almost on the verge of giving up especially while looking in the mirror. At times, I had difficulties looking in the mirror because of the dark spots, puffiness of my face, inflammation, clothes unable to fit due to unexplained weight gain and constant mood swings. These symptoms took a major toll on my self-esteem, confidence, and appearance. I have always been confident in my appearance until the last three years. I had stopped taking full body pictures because I didn't want to be judge or had to explain the unexpected weight gain. It also doesn't help to have family members who are highly critical, nit-picky, and mean spirited always point out others' imperfections while not acknowledging your flaws. 

During this critical time, I had many pity parties and ugly cry moments. I had them so often that I thought I needed to go into a psych unit. This is when I got down on myself because I am a healer, life coach, and go-getter. How did my life get to this point? I had to look within and receive a gut-punching answer that I was desperately looking for: Find a clinical therapist. 

At this point in my life, I needed a therapist to help guide me in some positive direction because I was so close to the verge of a meltdown and probably wouldn't bounce back from it. I have reached my rock bottom because I just didn't know what was going on with me. I also refused to lose in life because of my faith in Jehovah, the Almighty Healer, Higher Being who created me and all my uniqueness. One day, I had to surrender my ugliness, my insecurities, my unknown illness, my pity parties, my superficialness, my sick and tired of being sick and tired and the doors started flying open. 

I finally found a naturopathic doctor who not only listen to me but he also researched solutions, ran a million and one blood test, and helped me to change my lifestyle. As of May 13, 2015, I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroidism (underactive thyroid) which is an autoimmune disease that affects millions of people around the world. Its a chronic disease in which you have to take medication daily, change your lifestyle, love yourself a little more gently, constantly in a fragile state but day by day you overcome it, and one of the misunderstood diseases. To fully get out of my way and become the #unapologeticFLY girl and fully understand what I am going through, I hired a therapist. 

I found a therapist who helps me uncover my untapped feelings, untapped FLYness, and untapped potential. He helped me to unpack years of numbness, trapped emotions, and feelings. I remember the second session and he asked me why am I holding onto use less energy and emotion and uncover the feelings. My Lawd, when he said to let whatever I am holding onto go, I cried throughout the entire session and released years on top of years of emotions. During that vulnerable and beautiful ugliness moment, I have learned that I have been walking around stressed out, numb and living in organized chaos. Right at that moment, I realize that I was in a fragile state and bendable but not broken. I picked those pieces up, loved on myself and realize that I was in the process of healing. 

Living with an autoimmune disease doesn't define me. I take one moment, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time. I have great days and I have terrible, ugly cry days. I have days in which I have to take multiple naps, watch my food intake and do gentle movements. I have days in which I conquer the world, have mini dance parties in my car and in my house and run 5k marathons. It doesn't matter what kind of day I am having, I still refuse to lose. 

The picture above describes one of my refuse to lose moments. I have recently run the #NightNation music 5k marathon in Brockton, Mass. I ran the marathon in my pink power tutu because hot pink is one of my power colors. I felt like a superhero when I ran the marathon despite the aches, pains, and inflammation. I ran my heart out, rolled my ankle in the process, walked a little but Dear God, I finished the marathon. I was about 500 meters away from the finished line and I sprinted the entire way. I stopped and took a selfie to document that shining moment. 

At the end of the marathon, I put my hand over my heart and vowed that I wouldn't let anything get in my way. I have a lot of life to live, a lot of greatness to accomplish, a lot of people to serve, more traveling to do, more people to love, I have to birth some amazing children with my husband, tell me story, live more boldly and loudly but most important continue to be an unapologetic FLY Girl! Despite having an autoimmune disease, I am rebuilding my confidence, self-love, and gently loving myself right where I am at. I refuse to lose and you should too.

Thank you for reading Brown Girl From Boston! As always I am sending Love and Light to every Brown Girl Tribe member. Refuse to lose in anything that you do. There is no excuse for why you shouldn't do anything.  

XOXO,

Drea