...And I'm Still Through With Him 8 Years Later

“When I pull up in that black thing and you lie like prove it
I’ma show you date and time, every new receipt, every movie
I’m an OG, you’re a f@#$ing student
Your boys are even looking at you like you f*&%ing stupid
They probably told you “don’t be out here flossing on her so loosely
They probably told you I’m a good thing and better not lose me” -Rapsody, Through With Him

So, I finally ran into my ex-fiancé after 8 years of no contact during the Thanksgiving weekend. I knew this day was going to happen. I was on his turf in Alabama and watching the Turkey Day Classic, in which, his alma mater, Alabama State University, was playing against the school he is currently working for Miles College. (Maybe this is TMI, but major shoulder shrugs) Usually, ASU plays Tuskegee University but due to unforeseen circumstances, TU hasn't played ASU in a few years which sucks but that’s life. Anyways, running into my ex-was interested and unpredictable because you don’t know how you are going to react and engage with someone you once was going to spend the rest of your life with. You go through several scenarios on how you are going to react and engage with your ex but none of them matter when you actually are face to face with that person.

I am thankful that I saw my best friend earlier and she encouraged me to stand my ground and adjust my crown if I ever ran into said ex we were speaking of. She’s been through the relationship and engagement struggle with me because she was not a fan of my ex but simply tolerated him because of our sisterhood. She definitely gave ole’ boy two thumbs down because she saw the ugliness while I was blinded by love, I guess. She definitely mentally and emotionally prepared me for the encounter because right after I left her, I ran into him. Yikes!!!  Before I go into the story of the encounter, let me add how my Mom and Step-Pops would frequently run into him due to being avid tailgaters at HBCUs football games and him being a Band Director at one of the colleges.

*S/O to my Mom because she definitely rocks her crown well, keeps things smooth and copacetic with folks without getting out of character. That is called wisdom and character. *

My ex and I breakup were damn near similar to the last episode of “Insecure” when Issa went back to the crib and Lawerence packed all his things and bounced. Issa came home to an open and empty home and ol’ boy had to get his revenge in by having sex from ol’ girl from the bank (I think that was her instead of the stripper but still…). I am not saying I am Team Issa or Team Lawerence because I can relate to both parties involved. I did clutch my pearls during that scene because it was predictable because he wasn't ready to move on and got caught up in his anger and pride. I get it.

I can relate to the entire show of “Insecure” because it kind of mirrored my relationship with my ex. My ex and I applied to the same exact graduate school, but two different programs. The results… I got in and he didn’t. He had better grades and a better GRE score and I never understood why he didn’t get in and why I did. (Life Lesson, This was my way out of a toxic and unhealthy relationship) I remember writing a rough draft for him to appeal his decision until I stopped and realized that I wanted him to go to grad school more than he wanted it. I was putting my endless energy into appealing his rejection letter instead of looking at the silver lining. Getting into graduate school was my exit out of the relationship drama and baby mama drama (in which I don’t suggest anyone who is single and childless to enter into unless you are mature and okay with your significant other having a child.) I apologize to you if you ever met me during this stressful time because I wasn’t at my best self at this point. Look at the photo above, I was a hot mess and I looked older in age. Stress will age you. Stress ain’t cute, Boo. I thought graduate school was my way out of the relationship and it was my way out!

See people use to advise me on being with my ex and I just didn’t yield the advice. I thought I knew better because I was knee-deep in it without stopping and evaluating the entire situation. But your vibe attracts your tribe or significant other and you allow anything and anyone in your life if you don’t uphold your standards and values. This happens to the best of us, especially if we are operating at a low frequency. People can tell you to leave a relationship and give you valid reasons on why you should run away from cray and never look back on a toxic and unhealthy relationship. We keep going back because maybe "I can change this person", "Maybe I need to change?" "Maybe I have that Black Girl Magic", "Black Beau Magic to reform this person?" Do yourself a favor, when you see cray, cray please run the other way. Don’t keep going back and forth because that will be the premise of an unstable foundation for a relationship.

People haven’t reached their bottom of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, hence why many people stay in various relationships because they haven’t reached their rock bottom. Some people's tolerance level is high and some people have a zero-tolerance level. Only you know how much or how little you will tolerate. I remember reaching my zero tolerance level and was it ugly. Without backup, on the solo dolo, I drove 3.5 hours to my ex’s apartment and cleaned house after learning that he had moved in his “female best friend” (I never heard of this girl, never knew she existed and didn’t care) in his one-bedroom apartment. Man listen, I had my big ass suitcase I took to Jamaica when I studied abroad for a Summer semester and cleaned house. I packed up my stuff, stuff that I brought him, and whatever I thought that was mine was packed. (Yeah, I was petty as hell during this moment) I was tired. I grew tired of inconsistencies. I grew tired of being in a one-sided relationship. I grew tired of hearing about randoms and the weekly, New Miss Booty, while I was in another state busting my ass in graduate school.

Looking back…I was a 24–26-year-old Black woman, who was fed up and too young to deal with a lifetime full of stress, BS, and angst from someone who wasn’t worth it. Hell, No One is not worth the stress and BS.

After breaking off my engagement with my ex, he got married 9 months afterward. Yes, you read correctly, 9 months afterward. I heard that it is the norm for people who “can’t be alone. His wife was holding down the side-chick position, proudly. I guess she knew her time to shine was coming. *Ye Shrug* Like she had it on lock for a while. No heat. No shade. No judgmental. All facts. But life happens. Life goes on after 808s and Heartbreaks (S/O to Kanye).

8 Years Later, I am still through with him, but I can smile, engage in small talk and keep it moving whenever I see him. It was indeed awkward seeing and speaking to my ex after 8 years of no contact. I felt liberated and joyful because my husband treats me like a Queen and love me for me. I don’t have to front, I don’t have to compete with other women, against him or his heart. Being with my ex, it was all about him, his dreams, and all his nonsense. It still appears that way because he was the center of his own Universe during our brief conversation. (Insert eye roll and sucking my teeth) No mentions of his wife, very little mention of his children but he was poppin’ in his own world. Good for him. Throughout our small talk, I adjusted my crown, smiled, and sprinkle major Black Girl Magic and Brown Girl FLY Girl dopeness in a nonverbal way. When you are dope, people take notice. Being dope is owning the space and being classy. When your energy is dope, nothing can interfere with that unless you give it energy. No one can kill your dope vibe. No One; not even your lame and self-centered ex.

And I am still through with him after 8 years and counting!

                             

                                3 Ways To Be All the Way Through With An Ex

1. Acknowledge, Grieve, and Evolve: Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, we all play a role in the downfall of a relationship. Acknowledging is being aware of what you allow, what you will accept, and your behavior. When you acknowledge something, it is time to either shift your mindset or continue to remain ignorant of your surroundings. Also, we don’t take the time to grieve the ending of a relationship. Breakups are tough. When you break up with someone you are losing a piece of you that you have shared within that relationship and you are losing the person you once love. Take time to grieve because it is essential to grow, evolve, and mature. Grieving doesn’t make you weak, this is the time to reevaluate and rediscover who you are as a single and FLY individual. Take time to love yourself. Take time to relearn what you like, dislike, your interests, and cry. Your soul is tired and now is not the time to jump into something new or have rebound sex because that is another energy you don’t need to take on into your spirit. *Chill on rebound relationships and sex because it is not fair to you or the rebound person because you don’t need to unload your baggage onto someone else. Learn how to be single and enjoy your singlehood. During my breakup, I did a lot of journaling, reading self-help books, went to therapy while in school learning how to be a therapist, took myself on dates, went out and dance my life away, went to endless concerts, and reconnected with friends. I even traveled to OKC to visit my best friend and just escaped from the “Girl, what happened to you and such and such?”
2. Don’t forget who you are: Many times we forget who we are and what we like because we are immersed in our relationship with our significant other. We often become co-dependent in a relationship because we think we can’t live without that person, we are afraid of losing them or afraid of being alone. We become overly consumed with trying to please our significant other that we forget who we are, our values, integrity, and sometimes our freakin’ minds. Don’t stay stuck on forgetting who you are. Start regaining your confidence. Let go of the people-pleasing behavior because it is not serving you and start learning how to be the best version of yourself. What kind of person was you before you and your ex started to date? Do you need a holistic makeover? If so, do it. Don’t you ever forget who you are and where you came from. If you were in an abusive relationship, you will forget who you are because you have been berated, abused, and tolerated. You are needed. You are essential. You were created on purpose to serve a purpose. You are loved. You are FLY. You are intelligent. You are beautiful. You are valuable. Don’t ever beat yourself or sabotage yourself because your ex didn’t value your beautiful soul.
3. Adjust Your Crown, Be Present, and Mindful: I had to readjust my crown and recognize the God(dess) in me. At times, I forgot that my crown was already bought and paid for. I was looking for my crown, was willing to trade crowns with others, and willing to let go of my crown until I realize that my crown just needs to be readjusted and dusted off. “Heavy is The Head That Wears The Crown”. I guess that’s why I love wearing head wraps and big hair to show off my crown and hold my head high. My crown is paid in full and so is yours. Don’t allow anyone to remove your crown. During my brief encounter with my ex, I readjusted my crown, held my head high, shoulders back, spoke confidently, and looked my ex in his eyes while he struggled to look into my eyes. When you can look at someone who offended you, violated your sacred space, and not allow yourself to be a victim but a mere victor, you are a Queen or King! Hell you are a survivor and one dope individual. Keep the conversation brief, sweet, and joyful and keep it pushing.

Sometimes, you need to run into an ex to remind of your past, present, and future growth. I have evolved and matured since being in my 20s and I am thankful for the growth and learning from life lessons. Growing pangs are tough, but tough times are temporary and help you to build character. I am thankful that I didn’t marry my ex because I would have been in an unhealthy and stagnant relationship. If I would have married my ex, I would not be with my twin flame, my true best friend, sidekick and the Co-CEO of the Imafidon Empire. I probably wouldn't have experienced unconditional love, being an entrepreneur, blogger, Brown Girl From Boston, fearless and fly girl, nor would I have experienced a healthy relationship or marriage.

I am thankful for the three years of experience with my ex but I am still through with him after 8 years later.

 Peace, Love, and FLYness
 Drea

Say No to Being A Side Piece

"I can love you( I can love you) a little better than she can

I know that you (I know that you) wish that you could be my man

Cause I can love you better than she can" -Mary J. Blige ft Lil' Kim, I Can Love You

"I often wonder why anyone would lower themselves and their standards to being a side chick/dude? It destroys character, self-esteem, confidence, families, dignity and most importantly self-respect." -Andrea C. Imafidon.

I have challenged myself to become more open, vulnerable, and less fearful in my writing/blogging. It took me a long time to acknowledge how hurt, deeply scared, and nervous I was to explain how much I dislike infidelity, especially in an era in which infidelity is okayed by the masses of society. We have television shows that cater to being a side piece, and people give it the thumbs up. I am here to give the rundown on being a side piece and providing a voice for those children who are scarred (emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically) from infidelity.

I decided to blog about the side-piece movement because I am over the side-piece era. While people glorify side pieces, I make sure I vocalize my discontentment with it because no one should downplay their greatness to being a side piece for no one. Also, as a 32-year-old married woman who has half-siblings due to the stupidity and lustful moments that my Father and my half-siblings mothers decided to participate in while my Father was married to my mother. I know so many families are broken due to infidelity, and the people who are actually affected the most are the children.

I dislike infidelity! I dislike the behavior of cheaters and side pieces because everyone thinks about their instant gratification versus the holistic damage it causes to oneself, their family, and the children involved in the situation, if any. When you decide to go outside the marriage to satisfy a void, that is when you have an issue, not a significant problem. I definitely have a problem when you start procreating with the side piece and bring innocent children with a preconceived chip on their shoulders. Infidelity is destructive, and no matter how attractive, sweet, kind, and unique a person is, you should run fast as hell to get away from that married person because s(he) doesn't respect their marriage, doesn't respect themselves, or will ever respect you.

Here is a piece of Drea's story: My parents were married for over twenty years before I was conceived. I also knew my parents loved me; I felt the love and knew life was not a perfect picture despite being raised in a nurturing, loving, ing and sometimes questionable environment. I wondered why it felt as if my mom was a single parent with an inactive living father in the household. Time progressed, ed and my parents' marriage got torn apart. Imagine your parents getting divorced one day, and all of a sudden. You discover you have three "sisters" you never knew about, grew up with, or heard about until you are about 9 or 10.

Surprise, surprise, see, and another surprise! I met my half-sisters at an awkward, hurtful, ugly, and hormonal stage of my life. I was grieving the loss of my eldest brother, who was murdered, grieving the loss of a parent's marriage, being raised by a single parent, getting my period for the first time, and adjusting to life. My life was in for a rude awakening. This is a lot for an adolescent girl to deal with because you feel betrayed by both parents because you were left in the dark about this nonsense. This is why I can't stand infidelity, especially the side piece and the cheater.

Fast forward to being an adult. My half-sister, my brother, her, and I had awkward interactions. My older half-sister and I were developing a relationship, but it was challenging because she always felt slight. After all, my Father never raised her, but my Father raised my brothers and me. I thought that I was being attacked every interaction we had because she displaced her hurt and anger onto me due to the fact our Father and her mother engaged in consensual sex. The last conversation we had turned for the worst because I informed her that she was at the wrong person and needed to address her unresolved anger toward her mother and our Father. At the time, I was outraged and did not forgive my Father for committing adultery and procreating three kids.

During my wedding weekend, I was very hurt because I felt that my entire life was broken, and he never took accountability for his actions. I was even more hurt because my family was separate but kind of equal. It was fantastic to see stepdad and mom making marriage work while, on the other hand, it was sad, hurtful, ul, and disheartening to see my Father alone but gloating in his narcissism. Kids want to see their parents together because it gives them a sense of security. On the other hand, I would rather see my parents happier than tolerate one another for their kids' sake. I am not for staying together for the sake of the kids. No, no, no! Also, I can forgive the person and condemn the behavior, but I am not helping you care for three outside children who have nothing to do with me. That's only condoning the person to continue with horrific behavior.

Mind you, my Father, not with any of his side pieces! He is with one f   convenience whenever he competitor Boston. It is such a pitiful and low-level situation. Hence, infidelity is not worth breaking up a family. You are replaceable,  and you are not unique.

I was watching a lecture on black marriage, ages, and one of the main reasons why people get a divorce is because of infidelity. Will give my two cents on why you should not be a side piece. Yes, even though I am an adult whose family was torn apart due to infidelity, side pieces need some advice on how to say no to playing second best.

Say No to Being A Side Piece:
The same way you get them is the same way you will lose them. If the person cheats on their spouse/significant other with you, it will also happen to you. It is called Karma. No, you are notuniquel. No, you don't have special powers to keep that person from cheating. Stop allowing the cheater to think you are so special because s(he) told his spouse/significant other the same thing once upon a time, and guess what? They are cheating on them with you! The cheater always looks for someone to be on the side, especially if you have been promoted to the main piece.
Almost doesn't count. If you ever meet a married person and they tell you that they are almost "separated," run the hell away. It doesn't matter; it practically doesn't mean it is over. Practically, it means I am straddling the fence while eating my cake. It almost implies that the person can return to their spouse/significant other momentarily. Ask for the divorce papers. Don't believe the hypaboutin separation because that person is still legally married. If that person truly wants YOU, s (he) would like the best for you, and you should enjoy the best for you. Let that person handle their business, get some healing, and go about your life.

There are plenty of eligible single-datable people. Listen, please stop dating unavailable people. That explains a lot about you. Are you willing to be on the back burner for someone with savings, a spouse, or a significant other? There are available and eligible single people looking for the same thing you are looking for... Love, relationship, and honesty.
Look within and start healing. Why would you want to subject yourself to being a side piece? What are some areas in your life you need to heal? Start by loving yourself. Most people who subject themselves to being a side piece have low self-esteem, don't feel they can be loved because they often don't themselves, and don't want someone available because they are not available within their own lives. My advice to you is to not date and start healing. Seek coaching, there, or professional help. Look in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve loved by someone available.

Stop wasting your time waiting for the end of the relationship/marriage. I have seen women and men waste years waiting for the overseer to divorce their spouses. 9 times out of 10, you waste great years playing second best while you will always be the "home wrecker" despite being engaged or married to your lover. Please don't you ever contemplate this low-level behavior? You are wasting valuable years sneaking in and out of the house they share with their spouse, hotel/most expenses, and other suspect areas. If your relationship must be kept a secret,  it is not worth it because you are considered the side piece. You will never be respected in  (his) eyes, their family's eyes, and whoever else eyes because you are going to be blamed.

You will be forever insecure! Finally, your lover divorced their significant other/use, and you guys are finally liberated! How wrong? You will forever be insecure and display insecure behaviors such as knowing every password known to mankind, being by his/her side everywhere because you can't trust them because you think they are cheating with any and everybody, you don't have a life because you are consumed by his/her life except when they go to work, you bad mouth their ex because s (he) told you how horrible they are and you believe that ish! No, they aren't jealous; they got sick and tired of cheating and disrespect and got rid of the trash. , You, too, will find yourself sick and tired of the lies, cheating, and insecurities and find yourself feeling not too special anymore.

You deserve to be loved because you are not the wrong person. Stop participating in destructive behavior. It is not worth being a side piece to anyone. You are worth being number 1 in your life in someone else's life. Infidelity is destructive. You just don't bounce back from being a side piece. I don't care if s (he) decided to divorce their spouse; you will not be respected by the person you cheated with because,  subconsciously, you are to blame for the demise of the relationship. No one is innocent when it comes to infidelity. Everyone plays a part in the demise of the relationship.

Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable to share a piece of my life with you all. I had to write this piece to liberate myself and help others who are suffering in silence from being a side piece or being a child of parents who divorced due to infidelity and children outside. It is not worth it. Think before you cheat!!!!

Love and Light,
DreaA 
Brown Girl From Boston