“I would be at shows rapping, get the pictures back, and my eyes would just pop out. And I’m like, ‘Aww, I look so ugly.’ My face structure changed a little bit. My face looked a little bit more swollen. I’m having trouble keeping my weight down. I’ve always been used to being 120/125. My metabolism is slow because I have a hyperthyroid now. I have to watch what I eat, and I have to work out a lot. That’s been a struggle. It affected my self-esteem and appearance-wise. When I made my first album, The Idea of Beautiful, it had little to do with it. You have to look at what makes you beautiful.” -Rapsody, Why Is Rapsody Still 'Hard to Choose'? Ebony Magazine
My struggle with my health and idea of beauty started 3 years ago. I've discovered something was out of alignment. My weight kept fluctuating, my spirit was broken, my emotions were unstable, and I masked my insecurities. I went from a healthy, active lifestyle to a deliberating, unstable, and shattered confidence. I was broken. I couldn't fit my clothes. I couldn't get out of bed most days. I couldn't remember anything. I cried. I cried. and I cried some more. Physician after Physician dismissed my claim of weight gain, migraines, bloating, inflammation, skin issues, digestion issues, and the list continues. I just refused to silence my voice.
I remember crying over pettiness. I cried over not wanting to go out in public. I cried over not fitting into my bridesmaid's dress for my brother's wedding and having to go up a size. I cried hysterically in my therapist's office the entire session about my health, self-image, and incompetent/pseudo-God-Like Complex of endless Physicians as I was being labeled "crazy" and "lazy" due to my unexplained weight gain. The entire hour that I cried, my therapist held that sacred, safe, and non-judgmental space for me while helping me dig deeper to break free from the labels and invisible chains.
And I still found myself crying!
I have hypothyroid disease, which is an autoimmune disease. What is a hypothyroid disease? "Hypothyroidism is an underactive thyroid gland. Hypothyroidism means the thyroid gland can’t produce enough thyroid hormone to keep the body running normally. People are hypothyroid if they have too little thyroid hormone in the blood." -Thyroid.com (http://www.thyroid.org/hypothyroidism/)
Hypothyroidism disease is curable and affects your entire body, mood, and emotions. Some days, I have unlimited energy, which is amazing because I can work out, cook unlimited meals, blog, and indulge in things I truly love. Some days I can't move, I am extra hard on myself, a hot ass mess, and I want to be left alone. Those days suck the life out of me, and I have to be extra mindful and present on those days. Usually, I am gentle with myself. I do nothing but rest, read, cry, meditate, pray, and enjoy loving myself and the love that my husband gives me. I love how to hold the space for me to just have an unlimited ugly cry. I usually limit my conversations with people unless it is my mom who will call the CIA and FBI and fly up here to love on myself and be the Mama Bear that she is despite me being 32 years young.
Throughout my 32 earth years, I can't recall struggling with my idea of beauty because I have thought that I live by my own standard of beauty. I've created my own style of fashion, felt comfortable in my skin, and felt that I was unfu%^able! Since being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I have struggled with looking in the mirror from time to time because I have insecurities with the puffiness of my face due to fluid retention and inflammation. I have struggled with my stomach, which I camouflage because I went from abs to semi-flab (no heat, no judgment). I struggle with the dark spots and acne on my face and body because I feel people notice them before noticing me. Lastly, I struggle with joint flare-ups and inflammations. Some days, I can run/walk miles, dance, practice yoga, and weight lift. There are days I sit in my robe all weekend because I feel like an 18-wheeler truck committed a hit-and-run on my body.
Refining the Inner Goddess
In life, everything is temporary. I limit my television watching and participation on social media because that protects me from body shaming myself. Television and social media damage anyone's confidence, self-image, and self-esteem. Whether conscious or unconscious, we compare our entire existence, our looks, beauty, and standard of living to these "socialites" and social media celebrities who front a lot to keep up this pseudo-happy lifestyle. We abuse ourselves by altering our entire existence, trying to look like someone else who may have surgically enhanced or photoshopped their looks or manually enhanced their looks via phone filters.
Many women voluntarily destroy their bodies due to a lack of self-esteem, self-image, and support from those who admire their natural beauty. Recently, Sistah woman Iyanla Vanzant featured a beautiful Sistah on her show who was a model that received illegally bootleg butt injections because she didn't know how to value her feminine energy due to being born without a uterus and her inability to produce children. She is now struggling with silicone toxicity which causes inflammation in her legs, butt, and lower extremities. Imagine if she was surrounded by a healthy and loving support system that cultivates and validates her femininity and womanhood?
I woke up the hell up when I viewed that episode because I was measuring my outer beauty versus taking a look within and recognizing my inner goddess beauty. We have so many broken beauties that are suffering in silence due to not valuing and cultivating our self-esteem and confidence within. Yes, we can enhance our outer beauty with makeup and outer adornments, but how is your heart? How is your mind, sis? How is your inner goddess being fed? You can mask your brokenness temporarily. If you have a broken spirit, you are holistically broken no matter what weave, designer label, or makeup you are rocking.
Body Shaming From Family
I've been battling body shaming from some of my male family members. From cutting my hair cut, for being too thin, too athletic, too bossy, too this, and to that. Body shaming is such a taboo subject in the African, West Indian/Caribbean, African Diaspora, and African-American cultures. Body shaming is such a toxic, soul-breaking, and unhealthy behavior. People with body shame are in no position to shame anyone because they are also imperfect. People who have body shame also have a lot of internal suffering and insecurities.
I have created healthy boundaries to protect my body, holistic FLYness, and spirit. I have had my own Father's body shame me to my mother and husband. My Father hurt my soul when he harshly judges my weight gain. He stated that I was getting fat and eating everything in sight. How can someone who brought you into the world, who suppose to speak love and positivity in your life, harshly criticize the same thing you are struggling with? I am thankful to my Mother and husband for protecting me because I was in such a fragile and vulnerable state to defend myself.
I am slowly forgiving my Father, but it is a work in progress. I refuse to internalize ugliness, tasteless, and uncensored comments. I have to keep my stress level to a minimum and understand that I don't have to tolerate body shaming and disrespect from anyone, including family members and friends.
In conclusion, I am relearning how to love myself. I am focusing on my journey to healing and health. I have a newfound appreciation for my life and its meaning. I strive to live a spiritual and full life I understand and accept that I am flawed and imperfect. When you can achieve a level of self-acceptance for yourself, you can cope with your struggles in life. Self-acceptance is vital to growth and development because you have to accept YOU even when people don't accept YOU!
I have decided to share my photo from a recent photoshoot that I did with the lovely Kimberly Dobosz Photography. Looking at my photos, I am proud of myself for proceeding with the photo shoot. I love the ambiance and tranquil and lively feel that my photos provide. I have nitpicked my photos but truly embraced my current outer and inner beauty state. I am learning how to live with my current idea of beauty.
Before you laugh and judge someone on their outer and inner struggle, please check yourself before you wreck yourself. You are not perfect, neither, and work on your internal struggle!
"Make sure you shine on and be a light to the world" -Andrea C. Imafidon
Love and light,
Andrea
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