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| 2010 Lakeshore Drive, Lake Michigan, 20-something year old Drea |
"Unhappy stressed, yelling don't mislead my ass
I mean I make it so easy don't please my ass
The shoe was on the other foot and you would leave my ass."
Love Me Not, J. Cole
I was recently reminded, that I was once married for a short, brief period in 2010! Thanks to Facebook's "On The Day" for the reminder. I remember I used to hide the fact that I was once a 20-something-year-old divorced woman! I was only sick as my secrets and being a divorced 20-something-year old was a huge secret to keep to yourself. I had to repurpose this blog post to share my story for those who is going through a similar situationship or contemplating this similar situation. I am a firm believer to live and speak your truth in a kind and firm way. I guess I held this secret from the world because I did not want the judgment (and I am sure someone is judging, but that's cool, I see you). I did not want to feel the guilt, shame and relive the embarrassment feeling again. I was immature, hurt, and in denial about my divorce because in my eyes and the eyes of others, successful, but successful people make plenty of mistakes and share their mistakes and a hot mess.
Temporarily Dislocated in Chicago I've relocated to Chicago because I truly mistaken love for lust and like. I grew tired and weary of being in a long distance My ex-husband and I decided to become engaged after four months (Yes, four freaking months) *you don't know anyone in four months* of knowing one another and got married within six months (six months is when the mask finally comes off!) . As I look back at this, neither one of us was thinking about this major decision. My heart, low-esteem, and desperation at that time did get in the way. At first, I became excited to move to Chicago to finally be united with the "temporary like of my life," but slowly but surely the thrill was gone before the ink dried on the marriage certification. When I finally decided to make the drastic, impulsive, and one-sided decision to move to Chicago, my family, friends, and co-workers when questioned my decision. People, who intimately know me, know that I take my time and plan out things before making an irrational decision. In life, you have to take risks and this was one huge risk I took. I definitely took one for the team! Read More About My Journey in Chicago
As I have reread my earlier blog post about my divorce, I thought to myself how much of a survivor and resilient person I had to be during my time in Chicago. There were some dark days and some days filled with light and gratitude because we both no longer had to suffer in a lustful/unlikable marriage. I had to do my work and that work was difficult but I did it! I had to really heal my inner FLY Girl by reflecting on why I needed someone to confirm my greatness. I had to figure out why I was attracting certain people and their broken spirit within my life. How did my self-esteem and confidence become almost non-existence? Why did I accept emotional and mental abuse? Son, the work was real! I was like God, I just can't now. Every time, I said that I redeveloped a new fight, faith system, and restoration of myself. I had to do the work while I was existing in the valley. Yes, I had a failed marriage but that doesn't make me or another divorced person a failure. This too shall pass. I am thankful that I was able to experience this "failure" because it definitely matured me, grounded me, and taught me to become more transparent and live life to the fullest. You learn a lot from being divorced. Divorce people don't need your opinions, or the "I told you so" or any negative comments. Just love on them, listen to them and just be there. Drea's Four Tips on Overcoming a Divorce, Breakup, and Overall Hot Mess Situations: Forgiveness: I had to do a lot of work around forgiveness. I had to forgive myself and ex-husband. I am still forgiving myself and my failures. Some days, I didn't want to forgive, I didn't want to hurt, and I did want revenge. I let God handle all that because I will further Eff things up if I took matters in my hand. Forgiveness is ugly, it is not cute and I would suggest you to wear your fine trends when you are on the battlefield of forgiveness. Forgiveness takes practice. Yes, practice. Oh, did I mention practice? (In my A.I. voice) We are talking about practice.
Grieve: Divorce is the death of a marriage. Divorce hurts so much that you wish that your ex-spouse died instead. You have to really take care of yourself and understand that you are grieving. You will experience all the stages of grieve that Kubler-Ross studied and researched intensively. I remember being so angry and depressed at work one point. I cried until I sobbed at my desk. My coworker had to put on my coat, like Bobby Byrd use to do James Brown after his performances) and get me out the building because it was ugly. I was grieving during that pivotal moment.
Release People with Love: People are going to judge you, try to throw things in your face, and bring up your past mistakes and failures in your face. What did I do? I had to release them with love. Oh those so-called friends that were "riding" with me were the same ones who judged me and sipped on major tea during my divorce and darkness. ( I didn't crumble!) Do you want to know who your true friends and family are? Go through a death, divorce, marriage, and become successful. You will quickly see who is down for you.
You have to do your work. Son, I had to do some major restoration within. I was not always this FLY Girl. I had to do the work from previous relationships, childhood, and all other previous situations. I had to peel back so many various layers of my life. I had to get down to the core and really heal my inner FLY girl. That journey is not over. I have days in which I don't feel like getting out of bed. I have days in which I am on top of the world. I have days in which I am indifferent about my life but I don't quit on myself. I did my work and I am continuously doing the work.
I am thankful that I went through my divorce as a 20-something-year-old woman. I went through a tremendous amount of growing pangs, self-discovery, and evolve to this imperfect FLY Girl. I always knew that I was FLY but I had to grow through some thangs (yes, thangs) to see how resilient, strong, unique and awesome I am. I had to go through my divorce to grow into maturity, become a better human being and a better wife to my now husband. I use to ask God why did I have to go through such a horrific personal experience of being a 20-something-year-old divorce woman. I have received the answers and I am thankful for his insight and the people who were brought into my life throughout the struggle moments.
If you are a 20-something, 30-something, 40-something divorced person, you are not a failure. I don't care what society, your family, or "friends" thinks about divorced people, you are amazing. You are going to get through this difficult time because you are going to do your work. Make sure you are gentle and loving yourself a bit more because you are grieving the loss of a marriage and marital partner. Forgive yourself, do something every day that is going to bring a smile to yourself and restore your FLYness, and surround yourself with non-judgmental, healthy, and loving people. You got this! You don't have to heal your inner FLYness alone. There are plenty if resources such as support groups, therapists, reading material, life coaches like myself who can help you. Just remember to do you inner work to heal. It is worth it, you will grow from it, and you will survive it.
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Temporarily Dislocated in Chicago I've relocated to Chicago because I truly mistaken love for lust and like. I grew tired and weary of being in a long distance My ex-husband and I decided to become engaged after four months (Yes, four freaking months) *you don't know anyone in four months* of knowing one another and got married within six months (six months is when the mask finally comes off!) . As I look back at this, neither one of us was thinking about this major decision. My heart, low-esteem, and desperation at that time did get in the way. At first, I became excited to move to Chicago to finally be united with the "temporary like of my life," but slowly but surely the thrill was gone before the ink dried on the marriage certification. When I finally decided to make the drastic, impulsive, and one-sided decision to move to Chicago, my family, friends, and co-workers when questioned my decision. People, who intimately know me, know that I take my time and plan out things before making an irrational decision. In life, you have to take risks and this was one huge risk I took. I definitely took one for the team! Read More About My Journey in Chicago
As I have reread my earlier blog post about my divorce, I thought to myself how much of a survivor and resilient person I had to be during my time in Chicago. There were some dark days and some days filled with light and gratitude because we both no longer had to suffer in a lustful/unlikable marriage. I had to do my work and that work was difficult but I did it! I had to really heal my inner FLY Girl by reflecting on why I needed someone to confirm my greatness. I had to figure out why I was attracting certain people and their broken spirit within my life. How did my self-esteem and confidence become almost non-existence? Why did I accept emotional and mental abuse? Son, the work was real! I was like God, I just can't now. Every time, I said that I redeveloped a new fight, faith system, and restoration of myself. I had to do the work while I was existing in the valley. Yes, I had a failed marriage but that doesn't make me or another divorced person a failure. This too shall pass. I am thankful that I was able to experience this "failure" because it definitely matured me, grounded me, and taught me to become more transparent and live life to the fullest. You learn a lot from being divorced. Divorce people don't need your opinions, or the "I told you so" or any negative comments. Just love on them, listen to them and just be there. Drea's Four Tips on Overcoming a Divorce, Breakup, and Overall Hot Mess Situations: Forgiveness: I had to do a lot of work around forgiveness. I had to forgive myself and ex-husband. I am still forgiving myself and my failures. Some days, I didn't want to forgive, I didn't want to hurt, and I did want revenge. I let God handle all that because I will further Eff things up if I took matters in my hand. Forgiveness is ugly, it is not cute and I would suggest you to wear your fine trends when you are on the battlefield of forgiveness. Forgiveness takes practice. Yes, practice. Oh, did I mention practice? (In my A.I. voice) We are talking about practice.
Grieve: Divorce is the death of a marriage. Divorce hurts so much that you wish that your ex-spouse died instead. You have to really take care of yourself and understand that you are grieving. You will experience all the stages of grieve that Kubler-Ross studied and researched intensively. I remember being so angry and depressed at work one point. I cried until I sobbed at my desk. My coworker had to put on my coat, like Bobby Byrd use to do James Brown after his performances) and get me out the building because it was ugly. I was grieving during that pivotal moment.
Release People with Love: People are going to judge you, try to throw things in your face, and bring up your past mistakes and failures in your face. What did I do? I had to release them with love. Oh those so-called friends that were "riding" with me were the same ones who judged me and sipped on major tea during my divorce and darkness. ( I didn't crumble!) Do you want to know who your true friends and family are? Go through a death, divorce, marriage, and become successful. You will quickly see who is down for you.
You have to do your work. Son, I had to do some major restoration within. I was not always this FLY Girl. I had to do the work from previous relationships, childhood, and all other previous situations. I had to peel back so many various layers of my life. I had to get down to the core and really heal my inner FLY girl. That journey is not over. I have days in which I don't feel like getting out of bed. I have days in which I am on top of the world. I have days in which I am indifferent about my life but I don't quit on myself. I did my work and I am continuously doing the work.
I am thankful that I went through my divorce as a 20-something-year-old woman. I went through a tremendous amount of growing pangs, self-discovery, and evolve to this imperfect FLY Girl. I always knew that I was FLY but I had to grow through some thangs (yes, thangs) to see how resilient, strong, unique and awesome I am. I had to go through my divorce to grow into maturity, become a better human being and a better wife to my now husband. I use to ask God why did I have to go through such a horrific personal experience of being a 20-something-year-old divorce woman. I have received the answers and I am thankful for his insight and the people who were brought into my life throughout the struggle moments.
If you are a 20-something, 30-something, 40-something divorced person, you are not a failure. I don't care what society, your family, or "friends" thinks about divorced people, you are amazing. You are going to get through this difficult time because you are going to do your work. Make sure you are gentle and loving yourself a bit more because you are grieving the loss of a marriage and marital partner. Forgive yourself, do something every day that is going to bring a smile to yourself and restore your FLYness, and surround yourself with non-judgmental, healthy, and loving people. You got this! You don't have to heal your inner FLYness alone. There are plenty if resources such as support groups, therapists, reading material, life coaches like myself who can help you. Just remember to do you inner work to heal. It is worth it, you will grow from it, and you will survive it.
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