Being Black in America Is Exhausting!

Black Pain|Black Rage

"Can't come around

They gon' wanna bring you down

No one knows just what's inside.

Doing dope and doing time

Why are they messing with your mind

Black maybe..."

-Common, U Black Maybe

About a month ago, on the BGFB FB Page and blog, I briefly discussed how stress kills us! We often forget how stress manifests into a Black rage and Black pain, which silently kills us slowly and daily. Anger, pain, and trauma all coincide with being Native Black in America, dealing with constant mistreatment, no upward mobility, unstable and unhealthy environments, and continuous lying that everybody is okay. Being Native Black in America consists of a complicated and unhealed journey of involuntarily inflicting pain, abuse, use, and mistreatment from others who inflicted pain and rage upon us.  

Black people are empathic, probably too empathic and forgiving when we shouldn't be. We extend our grace and mercy too often while others don't reciprocate it. As Native Black Americans/Descendant of Chattel Slavery, we often put aside our issues and, unfortunately, take on the problems of folks who don't care about us or acknowledge our horrible history of mistreatment here on the same soil our ancestors built, bleed farm, and died on.    

When we are in a state of rage, sometimes we tend to project that onto other Native Blacks through respectability politics. You know the pound cake speech:

"You should straighten your hair if you want to be respected by White Folks." 
"You should code-switch and talk this way to be accepted by the masses." "You should send your children to this school over there for better opportunities." 
"You should do this, that, and the third for acceptance."

Whose acceptance and at what cost? How is that acceptance working out for those who are assimilating and conforming or perhaps trying to escape Blackness? 

It doesn't work for us because we are always in internal rage. After all, you are trying to achieve this unrealistic and sabotaging perfection non-existence. (https://www.vox.com/identities/2018/4/4/17189310/martin-luther-king-anniversary-race-inequality-racism) 

Internalizing our rage is killing us and has been killing us since the beginning of time. Please let it out and not let internalized anger slowly kill you. Releasing rage is unpacking years of unlearning unhealthy coping mechanisms such as self-abuse, self-loathing, and self-sabotaging behaviors. Unfortunately, we can't unlearn and unpack centuries of trauma from slavery, disenfranchisement, broken families, no wealth, and injustice. It is okay to be mad AF because to be Black in America, you are already in a state of rage daily. Just don't stay angry; do something productive about it: 

• Advocate for Black Americans through 1:1 and group therapy and healing modalities.
• Support Black organizations, institutions, schools, and non-profits through volunteerism or donation or sending your children or family members to these institutions.
• Get involved with local community politics and help your fellow family members and community members progress.  

Do something productive with that rage instead of suppressing and internalizing it. Internalizing pain and irritation develop incurable diseases. Rage is depression (inward anger), passive-aggressive, saying you are okay when you aren't. Please stop walking around with a fake smile, but you are a ticking time bomb. These behaviors are damaging and detrimental to your holistic health.

Masking our Black Pain and Rage is a daily coping mechanism that is vaguely discussed because we don't want to play into the stereotype of being an Angry Black Woman or Man. How can every other human unleash and unpack their hurt and pain, but we must internalize it all for the sake of looking pristine, holding onto a career or fragile self-image? When are we going to individually and collectively heal our rage and pain?

Young, Black and Broken: A Colorful Journey to Healing

"I've been on the low key grinding
(Grinding, grinding, grinding)
Learning on the low key, shining
Tryin' to keep to myself
But you bring me out of character
Every time again" -SZA, Go, Gina,

Happy New Year! What can I say about 2017? Well, it was filled with trials, tribulations, and triumphs. Yet, I've managed to survive and thrive. I became the poster child for the "Young, Black, and Broken" because I was that person in 2017! How Sway?

I was diagnosed with Chronic Anemia. Anemia is a condition in which you don't have enough healthy red blood cells to carry adequate oxygen to the body's tissues. Having anemia may make you feel tired and weak. On top of being diagnosed with anemia, I was also diagnosed with Uterine Fibroids. Yikes. Uterine fibroids are benign lumps that grow on the uterus. Symptoms may include heavy periods, cramping, painful sex, and an urge to urinate. Over 80% of African-American women will suffer from fibroids by the age of 50. 

Yo, I felt as if my life came crashing down at the same damn time. I had to cancel numerously speaking engagements and outings because I was that ill and broken. I had to schedule things around my menstrual cycle because my cycles were uncontrollable. My illness debilitated my whole life, to the point I suffered from depression and anxiety. I couldn't get out of bed. Some days I would just cry my heart out. There would be days, weeks, and some months that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because I was broken and traumatized. When you can't enjoy, love, and trust the eyes looking back at you, that's brokenness, Flyness. 

Besides being broken, you also have others who take advantage of your brokenness. I had to go "hot ham hoe here we go again" on a few people who have taken advantage of my broken nature during this junction of my life. I just had enough of dealing with people, especially women who violated the sisterhood code. I was sick and tired of the f^&kery, thievery, and dishonesty. 

Literally, everything around me was falling apart. In February, my husband lost his job. Agh! When a man loses his career, he loses his confidence in providing for his family. The bad news kept coming, which included being denied into a program for 1st home buyers. We took the Ls and kept it moving. I figured we weren't meant to lay our foundation down in New England. Why force something when things are supposed to flow?

While our world came crashing down, my husband and I made a difficult decision to get the eff outta Providence and relocate Down South! Let's recap, shall we! My husband became unemployed in February. The surgery took place on March 31st; we packed our apartment and relocated on April 30th. Yes, we are still sane. 

I notified ten people about our relocation. On the other hand, my husband went and broadcasted all of our business on the Book! (Insert side-eye forever) Guess what? Everyone, including the fakers, snakes, fair-weather folks, and their Mama, reached out to be nosy! Mind you. These folks don't care about us! All of a sudden, you have a change of heart. Nah!

Dear God, I'm Here!

What Did I Learn During the 2017 Transition:
"Healing Hurts, Healing Sucks"  Since I've been on this journey of healing internally, I have realized life and recovery aren't linear! One minute you are completely okay; the next, you may be rocking back and forth doing the ugly cry because something triggered that unhealed situation.  You have to be vulnerable and ready to heal. Sometimes, healing includes sitting silently! Recovery involves honesty with yourself.  We are never prepared to hear the truth and often try to find an alternative way to heal instead of pain. Hence, we see many people self-medicate because many are in a state of trauma and can't bear to deal with reality. During my healing process, I got to reconnect with some dope people. I still cry from time to time. My marriage almost went to hell, but we are working on being better people and more divine spouses for one another. Another funny and strange thing about healing is when randoms such as exes, users, and old friends try to creep back into your life. Chile, who are you and what do you want?  I had to regain my strength, independence, and my holistic life. God is taking the wheel. I am letting ish go. I had to let my life crumble and rebuild. I am rebuilding and trusting the process like the Philadelphia 76ers. 

I Am Learning How to Love Drea Once Again! Loving yourself is a long-suffering, everlasting, cold, warm, FLY, humbling experience. Yo, self-love, and healing are scary. AF is exciting, carefree, ugly at times, sassy, FLY, rhythmic, Divine, spiritual, and Godly. Self-love is vital but complicated.  Self-love is a learned behavior that is somewhat innate. You would think it is natural, but somehow down the line, we often unlearn how to love ourselves because we are thrown into this abyss of self-sacrificing and putting ourselves last. 

People don't truly trust themselves because they don't recognize themselves, and often they don't love themselves. We get caught up with social media's controlled content, chasing the bag, chasing an illusion, and chasing nonsense. We get caught up with all these things and truly forget about our daily purpose: self-preservation, self-care, self-esteem, self-love, and self-respect. When we neglect these things, we often cheat ourselves and lessen ourselves to accept any low and basic behavior and habits.  Loving myself looks different daily. Loving myself consist of going to a Rapsody concert and allowing the boom-bap rap to uplift my spirit. Loving myself consist of walking away from negativity and toxicity. Loving myself standing on my square and speaking my truth to power. Loving myself consist of rocking me, accepting me, validating myself first in a cold world that often diminishes, degrade, dismiss, and disrespect the Black Woman, the Black Man, and Black Child. Loving myself consist of living an unapologetic, compassionate, and purposeful life. 

I also want to give flowers to the following people because they were instrumental in my healing process, and I bet they haven't known until now! So, giving flowers to My Mom, Jaquetta, Barby, Shemika, Markita, Michelle B., Michelle D., Chantal, Walter (My Mentor) and his wife Josefina, and Ms. Marilyn. 

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me via email and social media to offer light, support, and encouragement during a rough time in my life. I see you, baby, and keep shining. 

Thank you for reading this honest, raw, and unapologetic blog post. I hope you will take the time to tap into some unhealed spaces within to heal the pain. Remember to trust your colorful progress and process. 

Need to help with healing: Sign up for a free complimentary healing session: http://bit.ly/coachingwithbrowngirl